had stopped having sex too, as soon as I made the decision to date girls. I didn’t like the idea of carrying on a relationship with someone and effectively cheating on them. David wasn’t so keen on the idea, but he accepted my decision. So… Carrie proposed, I said yes, and three months later we were married. Neither of us saw any reason to wait.”
“And you started to live a lie.”
Joel nodded. “It wasn’t a complete lie. I used to read gay fiction whenever I got the chance. I watched gay porn too, but yeah, for the most part I kept a huge part of myself hidden.”
Finn sucked in a breath. “Now I’m not surprised you divorced. That must have put one hell of a strain on your relationship.”
Joel shrugged. “I did what so many gay guys did. We stayed in the closet, we got married, and we had kids, because that was what was expected of us. Coming out was too big a risk, so we didn’t.”
“How did Carrie take it?”
“Better than I deserved. It brought us together somehow.” Joel’s stomach clenched at the memory. “She said I have her blessing to go out and find someone.”
Finn stilled. “Hey… if you’re out now… you and David could—”
“No, we couldn’t,” Joel said in a firm voice. “He got married too.” He paused. “Although, he also got divorced.”
Finn grinned. “Sounds like an opportunity.”
The remark sent heat radiating through Joel’s chest. He’d hoped Finn would be okay with his revelations, but this level of acceptance blew him away. “And perhaps it would be—in fiction. However, in real life? David got divorced because his wife found out he was cheating on her with a guy.”
“But you never did that,” Finn said, looking Joel in the eye.
“No sir, I did not. I took my vows seriously.”
Finn cocked his head to one side. “Do the kids know? That you’re gay, I mean?”
Joel shook his head. “When we told them about the divorce, Nate reacted badly. I don’t mean that he grew argumentative or sullen. He just… withdrew into himself. He doesn’t talk about it. He doesn’t talk, period.” He smiled. “I think you got more out of him last weekend than I’ve gotten in six months.”
“And Laura?”
“Laura is an amazing kid. Part of me feels that if I tell her, she’ll be okay with it. But I’m not sure I’m ready to take that big a risk.” He swallowed. “Nate blames me for the divorce.”
Finn’s eyes narrowed. “Has he said that?”
“No, but I think he’s gotten this idea in his head that Carrie is somehow covering up for me, and that I did something that split us apart. Now, if I come out and say ‘Hey, guess what? I’m gay,’ I think that will just exacerbate the situation.”
“You can’t keep it quiet.” Finn didn’t break eye contact. “You’re probably right, you know. Keeping this huge secret eroded your marriage from the inside. But when I see you and Carrie, I think… You were right to tell her. And maybe telling the kids won’t go as badly as you think.”
Joel pushed back his chair, got up from the table, and walked to the back door. He stared out at the trees beyond the glass, their branches swaying slightly in the breeze. “I was so tired of hiding my true self. Here, I get to be the person I feel I was meant to be—an out gay man. But I’m not there yet. Maybe when I’m comfortable in my own skin, then I’ll tell them.” In the silence that followed, Joel turned to look at Finn, unable to miss his furrowed brow. “You think I’m wrong. You think I should tell them.”
Finn drew in a deep breath. “No good ever comes of hiding stuff. And I say that from experience. My parents went through a messy divorce, but they didn’t hide any of it from me. They always stressed that telling the truth was the way to go. Some of my friends weren’t so lucky.” He held up his hands. “But it’s your life, Joel. You have to live it the way you think best.” His face glowed. “I think you’re awesome, not to mention incredibly brave.”
Joel breathed a little easier. “Thank you.”
“For what? The compliments? I meant every word.”
“No, for sitting here and listening. For not judging.”
Finn bit his lip. “I’m in no position to do that. You wanna know why I think you’ve been immensely brave? You just revealed something intensely personal to someone you’ve