Fashionably Fooled (Hot Damned #13) - Robyn Peterman Page 0,43
to see how much she could take. “Didn’t that hurt?”
“Nah,” Mammy said with a grunt of laughter. “That was a pussy shot.”
“Are you serious?” I demanded.
“Totally,” she said. “And by the way, I’m a midwife.”
“Nope,” I shot back quickly. The heinous possibilities of Mammy trimming my son or my mate during the eviction process were unacceptable. “Not going to happen.”
“Might not have a choice,” Lizard said, chewing his gum a mile a minute. “Only found three Immortal midwives—a Vamp, a Fairy and a Gnome. Apparently, you banged all of them a few centuries ago and they hate your guts.”
“Everyone hates my guts. I’m fucking Satan.”
The room went silent as did I. All were smart enough to ignore I’d just announced, once again, that I could fornicate with myself. I really wished someone had spoken up. I was desperately in the mood for a decapitation.
“I meant I’m the fucking Satan, and I’ve never banged a Gnome in my life,” I shouted as black flames flew from my fingertips, and I turned my favorite pilfered three-hole punch to ash.
“In your defense, she did say you were wasted,” Lizard told me.
My man-whore ways were long over, but they still had an unfortunate way of biting me in the ass. Thank all of Hell that Elle wasn’t present. The conversation would not end well if she heard it. We were violently possessive of each other, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Before I kill everyone, I’d like to say a few words,” I forced out through gritted teeth in a tone that made everyone cower. “Murry the not so badass has sniffed every female Demon in Hell and come up empty. That is unacceptable. Someone wrote that letter, and she will be found.”
“Understood, Lord of Dark Crap,” Murry whispered, shaking like a leaf. “I’m gonna find her.”
Murry could live for the time being.
“Martha and Jane, if you ever wear those outfits again, I will send you to the Basement of Hell and fry you for eternity.”
“Are they too sexy for you to handle, Colossal Peen?” Martha asked in all seriousness. “We could wear bigger pasties.”
“Don’t listen to her,” Jane said, whacking Martha in the head. “She meant to say next time we’ll dress as doctors with assless lab coats. No more sexy nurses, Big Wang. Promise.”
The future of Martha and Jane’s lives was questionable.
Shaking my head, I continued. “Dino, Darby and Dagwood, your cleaning skills are dismal. Astrid said my office smelled like ass. If you don’t remedy that, I will light your assholes on fire this time. You feel me?”
“Yes, Sire,” Dino said with a salute. “I thought it smelled bad in here, but figured it was Dagwood.”
“Or your upper lip,” Dagwood grunted, diving at Dino and punching him viciously in the head.
My Demons could still breathe oxygen until the palace was sparkling. After that, it was up in the air.
Ignoring the bloodshed, I went on and narrowed my eyes at Mammy. “Mammy, the thought of you trimming my son bald during his uterus eviction is enough to make me want to smite you right now.”
Lizard raised his hand and cleared his throat.
“Is this pertinent, Lizard?” I asked, ready to blow a gasket.
“Yes.”
“Out with it,” I said, checking my watch and wondering what else I needed to steal for my son.
“Babies are generally born bald,” Lizard informed me.
“They are?” I asked, thinking I should probably keep Lizard around for a while after Luke arrived. His fount of useless knowledge might come in handy. He might even know how to use some of the stolen baby paraphernalia. Lizard’s life was safe for the moment.
“They are, my liege,” Lizard confirmed as every dumbass in the room nodded their agreement.
“Interesting,” I said, thinking the prospect of Mammy serving as midwife through. “Do they have eyebrows and eyelashes?”
“Forgot about that,” Lizard said.
“Then Mammy as the midwife is out of the question,” I said triumphantly. However, Mammy could live. If all else failed, I’d keep Mammy as a last resort backup. “You will have to find another midwife.”
“As you wish,” Lizard said, looking doubtful. “I’ll do my best.”
“You will do better than your best,” I informed him. “Go at once and find a damn midwife. I don’t care what you have to do to get one. The reward will be high for both you and the Immortal who helps bring the Son of Satan into the world.”
“On it,” Lizard said, choking up on his bat and smashing my priceless collection of Fabergé eggs. “I’ll find you a