Fashionably Fooled (Hot Damned #13) - Robyn Peterman Page 0,41

my mother who was on a rampage about her crotch. I should probably double check the validity of the facts.”

“What’s wrong with your mother’s crotch?” Elle asked with a wince as she offered me a cookie.

“I’d rather avoid speaking of my mother’s crotch,” I said, reaching for a cookie then pausing. “Will I have to stab myself if I take the cookie?” I inquired.

“Yes,” Elle confirmed.

“Will do,” I said, taking the cookie and plunging the scissors into my thigh.

“Thank you,” Elle said, giving me a look filled with so much adoration I felt like I owned the world.

“No worries,” I said, grabbing a dagger from my desk and stabbing my shoulder just to see her smile again.

My lover did not disappoint.

“Before Uncle Fucker passes out from blood loss, we should make a solid plan here,” Astrid announced, confiscating all of the office supplies on my desk that could be used as weapons. “Is there a midwife in Hell?”

“What’s a midwife?” I asked, quickly texting Lizard again to kidnap a slew of midwives.

“It’s a person who will help Elle through the birth.”

“I can do that,” I informed my niece.

“Nope,” Astrid said. “Bad idea.”

“But I’m the best at everything,” I announced with great pride. Babies were small. How hard could it be?

“Except humility,” she muttered. “Have you ever delivered a baby, Uncle Idiot?”

She had me there. “Not that I recall.”

“Exactly,” Astrid said flatly. “We need a midwife.”

“Fine. I will get a hundred midwives,” I said, texting Lizard like a madman.

“Can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl?” Elle asked with a mouth full of cookie, still looking frantic about the turn of events.

“Nope,” Astrid said, patting Elle’s stomach lovingly. “But it seems to me that Uncle Fucker’s swimmers produce girls.”

“I find that offensive,” I snapped.

“Truth hurts, buttwad,” Astrid said with a laugh.

My niece probably had a point. As long as my little girl looked like Elle all would be right with the world, but…

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, putting together the pieces of my mother’s ramblings.

The conversation with my mother had been about two different things entirely. Served me right for not being able to say the word menstruation. All of this could have been solved days earlier. Shit.

“How do you know?” Elle asked, bouncing up and down on the couch with excitement.

“My mother,” I said. “In between her waxing poetic about poisoning competitors with cupcakes and complimenting my balls, I thought I was asking advice on how to handle your lady time, and she was clearly talking about our pregnancy. She mentioned that the name Gaia was a good name even for a boy.”

“I followed none of that,” Astrid said.

“Doesn’t matter,” I said, kneeling in front of the love of my life. “You are carrying the heir to Hell in your beautiful, perfect belly. I didn’t think it was possible to love you more than I did five minutes ago, but I do. You are my goddess.”

Elle’s tears flowed freely as she placed her hands on either side of my face. “I love you so much, you beautiful deceitful man,” she blubbered. “But I will remove your shmackle with my bare hands if you don’t get up in the middle of the night to change diapers.”

“You have my word,” I assured her, placing my hand over my heart. I wasn’t even going to mention the fact that she’d called my dick a shmackle. We’d deal with that another time.

“Tell him that after you nurse, he has to walk Lucifer Jr. back to sleep,” Astrid suggested.

“What’s nurse?” Elle asked, confused.

“I’ll explain later,” Astrid promised. “Just follow my lead.”

“Got it,” Elle said with a giggle through her tears. “Lucifer, you have to do what Astrid just said.”

I raised my brow at my niece, but actually liked the idea of bonding with my son. I would teach him all sorts of profane words and all the lyrics to every Journey song ever written.

“It’s a deal,” I said. “Anything else?”

“Astrid?” Elle questioned.

“Tell him we’re leaving it open-ended,” Astrid said with a grin.

“I can hear you,” I informed my niece.

“Yep, I know,” she replied. “This is seriously fun.”

“Define fun,” I said with an eye roll before turning back to Elle. “Lover, I think we should cancel the party. The womb eviction day of our son should be all about you. Not me.”

“What the Hell is happening?” Astrid muttered with amusement. “Is the Devil becoming unselfish?”

“Only for one person,” Elle said, pressing her lips to mine. “Me.”

“And Lucifer Jr.,” Astrid said as she stood to