Aunt Flow was a set up for an attack with a fork, I kissed her again and ended up with pizza sauce on my lips. It didn’t bother me a bit. Nothing my lover said or did could drive me away.
Not even a fork in the forehead.
It was good to be nuts. It was excellent to be the Devil. But being in love with a Siren who controlled fate and could wield a fork like a damned ninja was outstanding.
Chapter Five
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” I snapped as we hid in the bushes outside of a modest ranch home in the middle of Tennessee.
“Nope,” Lizard whispered, peeking out to make sure the coast was clear. “Murry’s mom is about to leave. We can enter the premises as soon as she drives away.”
“Murry does not sound like a badass if he’s terrified of his mother,” I muttered, realizing the irony of my statement. I was the ultimate badass, and my mother scared the shit out of me. My mother was a force of certifiably insane nature.
Lizard glanced over at me and grinned. He was a smart Demon not to say anything. But in my defense, my brother God, was terrified of Mother Nature as well.
“I don’t have all day,” I hissed. “Elle is eating Hell out of food. I need to get back and make sure someone goes shopping for the love of everything ridiculous.”
“My sexy concubines will take care of her,” Lizard assured me as he chomped on his gum. “Martha and Jane are creative and crafty and have incredible hooters.”
I nodded curtly so I didn’t throw up. Beauty was truly in the eye of the beholder.
“Is that his mother?” I whispered as a tiny, frail-looking old woman with a walking cane left the house and got into what had to be a thirty-year-old station wagon. She didn’t look like she could hurt a flea.
Lizard appeared perplexed as well. “I guess,” he said, checking his phone for a text from Murry the badass. “Yep. That was her.”
The more I observed, the more this idea seemed like a bad one. I’d give Murry the badass five minutes. If he was as appalling as his name, I was out of here.
“Sire, just so you know, Murry’s kinda weird,” Lizard explained. “Go with it.”
“Go with what?” I asked, annoyed.
“You’ll see,” Lizard said with a grin.
I didn’t like the sound of it, but with April 1st less than a week away, I needed to get to the bottom of who was trying to stop my celebration. It was beyond unacceptable that the world not celebrate me and my womb eviction day.
“Fine,” I conceded. “Does Murry the badass know who he’s dealing with this afternoon?”
“Nope,” Lizard said with a chuckle. “I figured if you wanted to tell him, I’d leave that up to you.”
“Good thinking. I won’t kill him unless he’s too weird,” I announced grandly.
“Works for me,” Lizard said. “Let’s do this.”
“Yes. Let’s,” I said with an eye roll as I climbed out of the bushes and hoped no one was watching. I didn’t like bad entrances and this one was awful.
The basement was dark and windowless. Open bags of chips and beef jerky littered the coffee table and the scent of what I could only guess were hot dogs lingered in the air. A television was blasting and set to a channel with entertainment news. I briefly saw the image of my own face flash by with a story about how the movie version of my book was setting records overseas. That feat had cost me a damned fortune.
Our illustrious host stood about five foot two and had to be a hundred pounds soaking wet. He had a mullet that defied reason. His choice of outfit rivaled Lizard’s except Murry’s tracksuit was skintight. The man resembled a polyester toothpick. I was going to have to bleach my eyes when I got back to Hell.
Murry the badass stood up and greeted us with a deep bow of respect. It lasted about five minutes too long. I glanced over at Lizard to see if Murry was stuck and we should help the badass up. My Demon warrior just shrugged and mouthed, I told you he was weird.
Weird was an understatement. I’d go with strange, abnormal, bizarre and disturbing.
“I’m gonna hug ya,” Murry said in a voice that cracked like a prepubescent teenage human boy. “Need to get yer vibe.”
“Hugging is not my thing,” I said, shooting Lizard a glare.