Fashionably Fooled (Hot Damned #13) - Robyn Peterman Page 0,16
Millions of letters from children arrived in Hell every December asking SATAN for gifts. Of course, I trashed all the requests. No… I didn’t. I sent the fucking letters up to Heaven. I suspected God knew I did this, but he was smart enough never to mention it. I’d kick his ass so hard he wouldn’t be able to sit for thousands of years. However, Jesus was so damned nice, I couldn’t bring myself to steal his day.
“Interesting guess,” I told Wrath. “But wrong.”
Surprisingly, Wrath was off the list of suspects.
“Two more,” I said, pointing to Envy and Lust—both problem children as well.
“Mmkay,” Envy said with a naughty glint in her eyes. “How about January third? That’s National Fruitcake Toss Day.”
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Completely,” Envy assured me. “Or possibly August eighteenth? You know, National Bad Poetry Day?”
“Ohhh,” Lust said, scrolling through her phone a mile a minute. “September seventh? National Salami Day?”
Everyone laughed… including Lizard.
I did not. It was clear they had no clue when I was born. However, they seemed determined to figure it out.
“I’ve got one,” Sloth said. “July thirteenth, National Fool’s Paradise Day!”
Sloth was no longer my second favorite.
“Here’s one,” Greed squealed. “June twenty-second, National Gaping Jackass Day!”
“Oh my Hell,” Lust said, laughing. “Is that real?”
“No,” Greed admitted. “But it works.”
Did they fucking forget that I was standing here?
“No, I’ve got it,” Pride yelled. “It’s February sixteenth, National Do a Grouch a Favor Day.”
“Nice,” Gluttony said. “This is better though… October fourteenth, National Fossils Day. Get it? Dad’s so old he’s like a freakin’ fossil.”
The hysterics were unnecessary. It was if they thought they were funny. They were literally asking to be electrocuted.
“Enough,” I shouted and magically removed the fire that trapped them. I’d inadvertently trapped myself by keeping them here. Listening to the Seven Deadly Sins for another minute was going to make me do something I’d regret. Enjoy, but regret. “Out. All of you need to start looking for someplace else to live. I’ll be using your bedrooms in the Dark Palace for all of my new stolen birthday presents. There will be no room for you or your smart mouths. Am I clear?”
“Wait,” Lust said, confused. “You want us to leave Hell?”
“That would be fantastic,” I practically shouted. “However, it’s a horrendous idea to let you criminals live on Earth. God would be up my ass more than he already is. You shall stay in Hell and reside somewhere other than my palace.”
“Are you paying for it?” Greed inquired.
Closing my eyes, I reminded myself that I was responsible for the way they’d turned out. Spare the rod, spoil the child… but they were so damned cute when they were little. Whatever. There was always a price to pay. I was now paying for my own sanity and clearly it was going to be expensive.
“Yes,” I hissed as they all backed away in fear. “I will pay. You will gather your belongings and be out by the end of the week. Am I clear?”
Every single one of them threw me a look full of crappy attitude. It was not unexpected. I smiled. I’d be counting the days until there was peace in the palace. Or rather relative peace. Until Aunt Flow left, peace would be fleeting.
With a snap of my fingers, I sent the Seven Deadly Sins on their way. I had no clue where I’d sent them, but as long as I couldn’t see them or hear them, I was delighted.
“None of them wrote the letter,” I said flatly.
Lizard said nothing. Glancing over at him, I realized his half hour of silence wasn’t up yet.
Damnit, was nothing going to go right today? Hopefully, visiting Murry the badass wouldn’t be a mistake.
I’d had all the fuckening I could take for one day.
Chapter Four
“Darling,” I called out, warily scanning our bedroom to make sure Elle wasn’t in hiding and about to jump me while brandishing some form of cutlery.
Martha and Jane were nowhere to be found. Their absence was peculiar. I wondered if Elle had impaled the imbeciles and hung them up somewhere in the palace. That would be incredibly bad behavior on my lover’s part, but understandable considering we were dealing with Martha and Jane. Maybe, leaving the obscene undead women with my mate was a poor choice. Lizard would probably be a bit put out if his concubines had no arms or legs even though the missing appendages would regenerate.
Life was so damned complicated.
Hearing an unfamiliar noise, I dove behind the divan and