with a circle of enchanted fire that was impossible to cross, I approached the surprised girls. “Lizard, show yourself,” I commanded.
“Yes, my liege?” the Demon said, crawling out from under the flowers.
“Do you happen to have any more gum on you?”
I had no clue what ingredients were in the sticks of sugar that he constantly gnawed on, but I did know there was a truth serum in it. It didn’t affect Lizard, but it worked wonders on those he gave it to. It was how we’d gotten information from the Trolls we’d battled.
“Yep,” he said with a wide grin as he pulled out seven sticks. “You want the truth from them?”
“I do,” I replied with a curt nod.
Lizard whispered to the gum in a voice so quiet, I had no clue what he said. I didn’t care. As long as it worked, I was good. He handed it over and bowed. Lizard was an excellent Demon to have around.
“A gift,” I said as I sent the gum to each of my daughters with a snap of my fingers.
The gum floated across the fire barrier and flew right into each of their mouths. With a wave of my hand, I sealed their lips shut. The silence was glorious.
“Chew up,” I directed. “It only takes a moment.”
“Love that song,” Lizard said, looking wistful.
“What the Hell are you talking about?” I asked with an eye roll. “What song?”
“It Only Takes a Moment from Hello Dolly. Carol Channing was hot. Had my first nocturnal emission dreaming about her hooters.”
That certainly explained his attraction to Martha and Jane.
“Lizard, do you value your life?” I ground out, wincing in pain at the appalling visual he’d just created.
“Yep.”
“Then I’d suggest you stop speaking.”
“Permanently?” he questioned.
It was so tempting. “Sadly, no. Just for the next half hour.”
“Roger that,” he replied with a salute that knocked the bloody green beret off his head.
Now to find out if the one who penned the letter was standing in front of me.
“Girls, girls, girls, my womb eviction day is fast approaching,” I said casually as I gave them back the use of their mouths with a slice of my hand through the air. “Have any of you procured a gift for me yet?”
“You have a birthday?” Sloth asked, genuinely confused.
Sloth was off the suspect list. Since it was impossible for them to lie to me, this would be easy and blood-free.
“I prefer womb eviction day,” I explained. “And yes, I do indeed.”
“When is it?” Greed asked, looking as perplexed as her sister.
Greed was innocent… well, not innocent, but she hadn’t written the letter.
Feigning shock, I made pouty lips and shook my head sadly. It terrified them which delighted me to no end. They’d been terrifying me for centuries. “None of you know when my birthday is? If one of you does know the glorious day, you will receive a Centurion Card from American Express.”
The greedy gasps would have amused me more if I didn’t think one of them was out to destroy my special day.
Pride raised her hand as the others looked on in fury. They were such a competitive group.
“Yes, Pride?”
“Umm… Well, since June is the sixth month and you’re a horn dog, I’d have to say June ninth—making it 69. Get it?” she asked, looking hopeful she was correct.
Pride was no longer on the list. However, she did get a few brownie points for pornographic creativity.
“No. That is not my birthday.”
“How about June sixth?” Gluttony chimed in going for the prize. “And if you were born in year six it would be 666.”
Again, creative. Again, wrong. Gluttony was safe.
“No.”
“Shit,” she muttered. “He’s so old how does he even remember?”
“Shut it, butthole,” Sloth said under her breath to Gluttony.
Sloth was the smart one.
“Well, if you have a birthday, I call bullshit,” Wrath snapped. “We don’t have birthdays.”
“Of course, you do,” I said with an eye roll. “I just don’t know when they are.”
“Father of the year,” Wrath said, trying to beat me in the eye roll game.
She lost.
“Do you have a guess, angry one?” I pressed, thinking that if it was anyone it was Wrath. She was the oldest and meanest.
“I’d have to guess that you have plans to steal Cousin Jesus’ birthday,” she replied with a shrug.
Before I’d been made aware of the sacred date of April 1st, I’d definitely considered pilfering my nephew’s womb eviction day. I mean, for the love of everything dastardly, Santa had the exact same letters in his name as Satan. It was a sign.