“All male and female mammals have mammary glands—or in layman’s terms, hooter nodules. That’s the organ that produces milk—not to be confused with the organ known as the love rod. The salami does produce a milky-like substance, but it does not taste good in coffee—trust me on that. When the hooter nodule matures fully in females during puberty, they develop into a state where a hormonal spike called prolactin can induce lactation—or milk squirts. Now for the persuasion packing a schlong, the gland doesn’t generally mature to that level. Hence, those with pork swords rarely produce milk squirts.”
“Excuse me once again,” I ground out as I stomped my foot and all ten chandeliers crashed to the floor making a horrifyingly satisfactory noise. Shards of crystal flew everywhere, and Lizard had the wherewithal to duck for cover. I stood and watched as the shimmering crystal picked up the red and orange of the flames. It was gorgeous. Sadly, I had to stop the inferno before the entire palace went up in a blaze caused by my tantrum. Turning back to Lizard, I raised a brow. “How may I ask do you know these bizarre facts?”
“I like to read medical dictionaries,” Lizard explained warily. “If I know anatomy, I can kill shit more creatively.”
I couldn’t even argue that point, so I didn’t. I’d already done enough structural damage for the day. Coupled with Elle’s explosive earthquakes, we were quite the deadly combo.
“What I was trying to say before you made me have to incinerate my abode was that some asshole is trying to halt the worldwide celebration of my birthday,” I said, waving my hand and repairing all the damage I’d just caused.
“You have a birthday?” he asked, confused.
“Everyone has a birthday—or womb eviction day as I like to refer to it,” I snapped. “I just didn’t know when it was until recently.” Why in the Hell was everyone so surprised I had a damn birthday? Did they believe I’d been hatched?
“Who else is aware of the date?” the crazed Demon asked, smacking so hard on his gum, I thought his jaw might dislocate.
“My mother and Astrid,” I told him. “Astrid is not a suspect. The letter came yesterday via a four-headed vulture before she knew of the date.”
“I’m gonna go on record and say that I don’t think your mom would mess with your birthday,” Lizard said with a shudder of terror.
I shuddered as well and agreed with him. Mother Nature was indeed frightening. Plus, she was pole dancing in Belize. As certifiably insane as my mother was, she loved me. And I loved her in my own way, not that I would ever admit it. It wasn’t good for my asshole reputation to be too soft.
Lizard began to pace in small circles, making me dizzy. “You think it’s God?”
I had considered it, but the thought was ludicrous. “My brother, as much as he drives me to drink, doesn’t work that way. He’s far too sanctimonious and good.”
Lizard nodded and continued to pace. “Jesus? He has a pretty big birthday—might not like the competition.”
“Absolutely not,” I said, having already considered that as well. While my brother was good, my nephew was impeccably good.
“I agree,” Lizard said. “Just wanted to name the usual suspects.”
“Honestly, I have no idea who it could be,” I said, perplexed.
“Enemies?” Lizard asked.
“Millions,” I said with a laugh. “I’m fucking Satan. What do you expect?”
“Well… not that,” Lizard muttered, terribly confused. “That’s medically impossible.”
As much as I appreciated my Demon warrior, he had to be punished for my faux pas. However, to be nice—a relative word—I’d warn him. I’d appreciated it greatly when Elle had given me a heads up before stabbing me with a cake knife.
“I feel the need to electrocute you,” I told him.
“It would be my pleasure to be electrocuted by my liege,” Lizard replied, placing his bat on the floor and removing the gum from his mouth, so he didn’t choke on it when the explosion came. He affixed the enormous wad of sugary rubber to the tip of the deadly bat and waited for me to blast him.
Shit. Now I just felt bad. I was the one who said I could fuck myself, not him.
“Forget it,” I said, feeling itchy and unsettled with my uncharacteristic fairness. “It was not you who claimed you could copulate with yourself. The electrocution shall be postponed to another time when more deserved.”
“Thank you, Sire,” Lizard said with a grin as he shoved his gum back into his