“Horror movies?” I asked. One of these things was not like the others.
“Keeps a gal from having to resort to homicide. You feel me, Luscious Caboose?” Martha chimed in.
Holy Hell on a Thursday, they were actually making sense. What alternate reality was I living in? Was I really going to do this?
Yes. Yes, I was.
“The job is yours,” I bit out, sure I would live to regret the rash decision. “You will stay here and aid the Keeper of Fate while Aunt Flow is visiting. Do not mention her lady time to her. From what I understand, that will result in your death. However, I’d like to add that if you bring me the head of Aunt Flow, I will owe you a favor.”
Favors from the Devil were one of the most coveted gifts in the Immortal Universe. It was worth it though. If these imbeciles could behead this horrible Aunt Flow, I would gladly trade a favor.
“Little confused here,” Jane said, scratching the sparse hair on the top of her balding head.
“Ain’t nothin’ new there, mother humper,” Martha said, only to be whacked in the face by her cohort. “Delicious Derriere is sayin’ if we guide Elle with our own personal rag expertise without mentioning that she’s on the rag and keep her from loppin’ off his Johnson and other body parts we win. Smexy Patootie is gonna buy us boob jobs, braces, an unlimited gift card at Walmart, a subscription to Playgirl magazine, lifetime tickets to Barry Manilow concerts, and is gonna let us write the sequel to his book.”
“That’s not exactly what I said,” I choked out.
“But that’s what you meant?” Jane asked.
Pressing the bridge of my nose, I considered all my options. While the list was bizarre, they didn’t ask for world domination or a vacation home in Hell. I could care less if they wanted to write a book and slap my nom de plume, Blade Inferno, on it. I’d never even read the first one. From what I’d heard, during the editing process, Hemingway filled the tome with absurd bullfights. Of course, I had blackmailed him into it. What did I expect?
I had to force the words from my lips. Eventually, they came out. “Yes… that’s exactly what I meant.”
“Fanfuckingtastic!” Martha shouted as Jane joined her in an impromptu dance that made me want to electrocute myself. “Anyhoo, you wanna hear a little bit of your book?”
“No.”
“Great. I’ll start at chapter one. It was a dark and stormy night,” Martha began.
At least it started well…
Jane continued and Lizard looked on with pride or constipation. I wasn’t sure which.
“I saw her standing next to the garbage can and my Johnson took notice too. Her eyes were like two big blue dinner plates in her head with black dots right smack in the middle of them. The dots were circles too. She was short—like a midget, but her gazongas were not short. That was good. Gazongas were important.”
“You really should stop,” I said, trying not to laugh or smite them.
Martha cleared her throat and ignored me. “I was tall—like a tree. Her face was a circle like her eyes. This was encouraging. A square or triangle face would be bad. Weird shaped heads were a total boner killer. She stood next to the trash can and examined me like the vet did my dog, Sparky, last week. I hoped she wasn’t a vet. That bastard had lopped off my best friend’s balls. No worries. I killed him.”
I was speechless. It was complete shite, but I was curious what other garbage they’d come up with. Clearly, I was a glutton for punishment.
Jane did not disappoint. “The circle headed woman lifted her leg gracefully just like my dog did at the fire hydrant. It was beautiful like when the Vikings won the Super Bowl. I’d never met her, but I knew the midget was mine. We were like two people who were short and tall who had also never met. It was time to show her my Johnson.”
“STOP,” I commanded, biting back my laughter with effort. “That was horrifying.”
“Thank you,” Jane said sincerely.
“Wasn’t a compliment,” I shot back.
“Don’t get your sphincter in a knot,” Martha said with a wave of her boney hand. “It’s only the first draft. We’re gonna add lots of verbs later.”
Speaking of sphincters… or rather baked ones was the reason Lizard had been summoned in the first place. Martha and Jane were so confounding, I’d almost forgotten why I’d requested Lizard’s presence in