and have even more anxiety,” I muttered to myself, staring at the clothes on the bed.
I looked back at how excited I was when Heath asked me the night before. I had been looking forward to bowling. Now I was dreading being at some Everson Family outing where I didn’t belong. The same thing had happened during the holidays. I felt so out of place, and no one knew what to do about it. Carey had tried so hard to make me feel welcome, but the problem didn’t lie with her or her family, even if they were werewolves.
It was me. I craved community and having people around, yet ran from it. I could feel it trying to make me shift, walk out in the woods, and become unreachable. Carey was easy to manage. Heath was easy to manage.
But a crowd? More than one person at any given point? That made me wary and uncomfortable, and I couldn’t fight it, no matter how much I wanted to.
“What did Hasan say?” I racked my brain for the advice he’d given me once. “When you feel like running, consider what you would miss out on and if you will be better off without it. If you know you’ll miss it or regret losing the chance, don’t run. Face it.” It sounded like advice every parent would give a child, but it was honestly good werecat advice. We were very good at hiding from the world around us—very, very good. Hasan had disappeared from public life for a century until my fuck up when called to Duty. His mate walked away from their world so long ago, most didn’t even know what she looked like, and that said something in a community of nearly immortal supernaturals.
I considered the pros and cons of skipping bowling, pleading for a day off.
Pro for staying: I get to see Carey and see how competitive she is at something physical. I haven’t been able to convince her to try sports because she knows she’s around creatures she can’t beat. Pro, I get out of the house and do something.
Con: I get out of the house and hang out with two werewolves. If people didn’t think I was strange already, they’ll see me with the Everson family and probably think I’m part of the pack…more than they already do.
I curled a lip at that thought. The idea of subjecting myself to an Alpha like werewolves did was completely against my nature. I knew if I didn’t go, I would think about it all week, sad I didn’t go. Half of that would be guilt over disappointing Carey after already telling her father I was going. If I canceled now, she would be upset, and I’d never canceled on her for anything else. I couldn’t start now.
“But what to wear?” I mumbled, glaring at the clothes on the bed, back at square one. I finally shook my head, mustered my resolve, and grabbed a few items, deciding it didn’t matter. A black t-shirt that wasn’t old or dirty, a pair of decent jeans—easy, simple, relaxed, perfect for bowling. I dressed and stared in the mirror, nodding in appreciation.
Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it, Jacky? See, you can do this. You can hang out like a normal person.
I hoped I could, anyway. There was a lot of evidence against me, but I could do it.
“Why is this so damn hard?” I asked myself, shaking my head in dismay. There was a time when I could jump up and go hang out with anyone. I loved to bowl, I loved to go to the park. I loved life. When did I become a shut-in who was scared to spend a few hours with people?
I knew the answer but didn’t let it get to me as I stomped out of my bathroom, through my bedroom, and down to my living room. I could have gotten ready in the apartment over the bar but had decided to head to my house deep in the woods in the middle of my property. It was a sanctuary. Not even Carey and the wolves were allowed to venture deep enough into my property to get to my house. I needed a space that meant I was well and truly alone, especially since two werewolves lived in my territory, constantly scratching at my magical defenses.
I stepped out after pulling on my boots and swung my leg over my dirt bike, kicking off to head to the bar