saved my virginity all this time to share it with him.
Pushing open the door I pray that this isn’t awkward. I never told my brother or Mom about how Russet broke my heart … and honestly? I don’t want them to know.
I was mortified when he left me. I was so ready to share my life with him, go all in.
He left.
The moment we step inside, we’re greeted with the most amazing smells. Mom really outdid herself, but I know she really wanted to make it special for Russet, especially in light of his bravery this past month.
If I wasn’t good enough for him before, it’s a whole new level now. Now he is a hero. And when I look up and see him walking in the room — I know he’s more than a hero.
He was my first love.
It’s the truth: I loved him.
Love him.
I always have and I fear I always will.
And he is so, so, hot today. His button-up shirt strains at the shoulders and biceps in a way that sends a tingle up and down my spine. His hair is shaved short on the sides, but just long enough on tip to run your hands through. My fingers itch to touch him.
“Autumn,” he says. “It’s been so long.” He pulls me into a hug. A hug Tommy or Grayson would think is friendly. A regular old ‘my older brother’s best friend is home from active duty’ hug.
But it is so much more than that.
He smells like he just stepped out a shower. Gone is the cigarette smoke on his clothes, the bottle of beer in his hand. But those were never really his smells. They were his defenses against a world that beat him up and broke him down.
Now, I breathe him in and it sends a current of familiarity over me. Old Spice and maple syrup, and if I could kiss his lips I bet I’d taste the lingering pancakes he ate for breakfast. He always had a sweet tooth.
He holds me, and I know then he is breathing me in too. And I want the room to disappear. For Tommy to have never come and Grayson and Mom to walk into the kitchen, and I want to ask him why he never wrote. Never called. Never tried.
When he steps back, and I look into his eyes, I know the answer to those questions will have to wait. His eyes are already glassy and we’ve hardly said a word.
“I missed you,” I tell him. It’s the simple truth, the heart of it. I’ve missed Russet for four years and I’m tired of waiting for him to come home.
He is here now.
“Oh, sweetheart, you look so nice,” Mom says, giving me a big hug. She purses her lips when she sees Tommy. She isn’t a fan.
“It smells really good, Ms. Wood,” Tommy says, giving her a smile.
She pats him on the shoulder, she may not be thrilled he’ at the table, but she isn’t going to be unkind, it isn’t her way. “I’m glad to hear it Tommy, I’ve been working in the kitchen all morning.”
“I offered to come help,” I say.
“I know, dear, but you know how I am about my kitchen, it’s about the only place in this world I feel like I can relax and have some fun.”
I look at my mother. “You know I love cooking as much as you do, I think I’m gonna have to get my own family if I ever want to make a holiday meal.”
Mom laughs, and she knows it’s true. She’s never going to pass on the apron-baton.
My mom raised us on her own, working at the county courthouse her entire adult life, taking care us and making sure all our needs were met. I’m so lucky to have her.
“Anyways, kids, dinner is ready. Grayson, Tommy, will you help me carry in the food?”
They shuffle into the kitchen and I pull off my coat, hanging it at the end of the hall. When I turn, Russet is there. It’s dark in the hallway, and he steps closer and I can’t think or breathe. I just want. I want him.
Always him.
“I’m sorry, Autumn. For leaving. I’ve missed you. So damn bad.”
“Don’t start this if you aren’t going to finish it,” I say, trying to protect myself.
“I deserve that, and more,” he says, stepping close enough that I could wrap my arms around his neck, sink against his chest. Never let go.
“No you don’t,” I say. “You’re a