Fake Friends - Saxon James Page 0,40

familiarity of the action, even if I do glance around to see who’s in here. Friday nights don’t usually get busy until later though, and no one is paying attention to our table.

It helps me to relax.

I grin at Circus, and he grins right back.

“Who else is coming?” Tanner asks. Royce is sipping his beer, looking back and forth between us.

“Leon and Dahlia.”

“No Jules tonight?”

“Nah, she’s not feeling well.”

I sort of wish Leon wasn’t feeling well so I didn’t have to face him, but I guess I need to get it done sooner or later.

But when he shows up with Dahlia, he says hey and that’s it. No teasing or ribbing or hinting at the shit he knows about me. Progress?

Circus leaves to buy a round and comes back with food as well. And even if I don’t particularly fit in here, it’s nice to be surrounded by conversation that doesn’t have any weight to it. Leon talks about work and his latest male hookup, and I hang on to every word. Dahlia’s teaching at the high school we used to attend, and Royce and Tanner are in the process of finalizing the sale on their house and their plans for once they have.

And those two are so affectionate with each other, I can’t stop looking at them.

Circus leans in and his lips brush my ear. “You’re staring.”

“Can you blame me?”

When I turn so I can see his face, his expression is soft. “Is there anything wrong with them?” he whispers, tilting his head in their direction.

“Well, no, of course n—”

“Then why would there be something wrong with you?”

“It’s not …” I clear my throat and look around to make sure no one is listening in. Leon seems like he might be, and Royce is watching us, but I think he’s too far away to hear anything. “It’s just hard.”

“I know.” His hand finds mine under the table, and I suck in a sharp breath. “No one is saying you need to jump in and throw your own pride parade. I’m only saying, baby steps. Do little things each day that can get you to that point. Whether it’s telling that stupid voice to fuck off—or your grandpa, but make sure I’m there for that—or, I don’t know …”

This time I duck my mouth to his ear. “Or watch gay porn?”

He swallows. “Or that.”

“I have been, you know. I never used to be able to shut off my thoughts, but I’ve been trying. And that negative voice has been overridden with a new one.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. And the new voice sounds scarily like someone I know.”

“Hmm. Sounds hot.”

“You have no idea.” My voice dips, snagging his attention, and the energy that burns between us makes me wish I could follow through.

“You guys fucking?”

I jump at the question, and everyone turns to look at Royce.

“W-what?”

Circus laughs. “If we were fucking, do you really think I’d keep it to myself? Look at the man.”

“A month ago you couldn’t stand the sight of him, and now you guys are looking at each other like crack.”

“They are?” Tanner’s eyebrows wrinkle up.

“Isn’t Rowan straight?” Dahlia asks.

“Don’t you know better than to assume?” Royce asks, hooking a thumb at Tanner. Tanner grabs his hand and bites his thumb, distracting people from the question for approximately a second before they turn to me.

My throat feels hot.

“That’s a dumb question,” Circus says. “Assume away.”

It doesn’t distract anyone. “Wait, are you not?” Dahlia pushes.

“Hey, look a bird in the bar!” Circus continues. “Everyone turn and look at the invisible bird that’s flying around just over—”

I cover his mouth with my hand again. Because I can. Because I sort of love it.

“Ah …” I glance around at them all. Can I trust them with this? I know Circus said I could, but if just one person lets it slip, even by accident …

But Circus and Leon already know and haven’t said anything.

Tanner and Royce surely would know outing someone isn’t okay.

I eye Dahlia. “Would it matter if I wasn’t straight?”

She picks up her beer and glances inside. “Is there something in the water? Why are all the guys here gay?”

Tanner lifts a hand. “Bi.”

“Pan,” Circus adds.

She sighs. “Shut up. You know what I mean.”

I swallow roughly and lift my hand. It’s shaking. I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I quickly look around, and when I’m sure it’s all clear, I say, “Gay.” Only it gets caught in my throat, and I’m not sure if they even understand the word.