Every Little Piece - By Kate Ashton Page 0,30
I didn’t want to see her, but I would.
“You have to decide. You can’t leave her hanging like this.”
“I understand.”
He loosened his grip and stepped away, his face twisted in confusion. “I thought you loved her.”
“Life happens.” I left him no argument.
“Thirty minutes, Seth.”
I saluted and got back to work even though he wanted answers.
My legs dangled over the edge of Raker’s bluff. The dull gray cloudless sky reflected the way I felt inside. A slight breeze chilled me, so I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. How had everything gone so wrong? I couldn’t even begin to figure that out.
My mouth was dry, and I wished I’d brought water. I needed to talk to Brin and Kama but their names stuck in my throat. I would never get an answer. And that tore at my insides. I dropped my forehead to my knees and stayed that way, rocking back and forth. The words and emotions bumbled about in my chest but all I could see was Kama’s curly hair creating a halo around her face. Brin’s knowing smile. I knew everything about her, and she knew everything about me. It was so rare to have that kind of friend and I wasn’t sure I’d ever find it again. How could I be so selfish?
I lifted my head and gazed across the expanse of the ocean. “I’m sorry.” I croaked. Those were the only words I managed. Time passed and my butt numbed from sitting on the ground. I shivered. Without the sun, time never began, never ended.
Wheels crunched on the gravel. I glanced back. Noah. Out of everyone, I was glad to see him, because he understood.
He laid a blanket over my shoulder, and this simple act flooded my eyes with tears. Then he handed me a thermos of hot chocolate.
“From Mom,” he said.
He climbed over the guardrail and sat next to me, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. I dropped my head against him and closed my eyes. He stayed quiet. No words of comfort or distraction. I’d never been so appreciative of my brother.
Finally he spoke, his words soft, like a soothing gel on a gash. “You don’t have to say goodbye yet. Take your time and say it when you’re ready. Don’t force it.”
I thought about the last few years. He attended a community college, stuck at home with his parents and younger sister. I didn’t remember doing anything to support him. I sipped the hot cocoa. The liquid left a burning trail through my chest. I wanted to stay sheltered here forever.
“Does it ever go away?” I asked. “The pain. The memories.”
“Haley,” his voice cracked, “I wish I had an answer for you. I promise to be there for you as long as it takes. I’ll be your friend.”
It was my turn to be honest. Thoughts had been running through my head since I left the hospital. I hadn’t talked to my parents or the grief counselor because they’d try and talk me out of it. Or assign me to another year of counseling. I’d heard enough of the stages of grief. I needed time away.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t want it to go away.” His eyebrows rose and that was the only indication he’d heard me. “I don’t want to forget the pain. I want to feel it every day of my life.” I pounded my chest and the words ripped from my throat. “They have no bright future because of me. I stole that from them. And if the pain goes away, then I might forget. And that can never happen.”
“That’s dangerous ground, Haley.” He squeezed me closer. “I’m only going to say it once. Deep down, you know, they wouldn’t want that for you. They’d want to be remembered, but they wouldn’t want you to feel the guilt for the rest of your life. You need to live for them.”
His words bounced off me. This ageless wisdom couldn’t sink through the wall I’d put around my heart. I needed the constant reminder, the guilt. I clung to it desperately. That I drove carelessly and put them in danger and ended their life within seconds. I needed that with me, every day, every breath. Every heartbeat. But I didn’t share that. I kept it tucked away inside. My secret, buried deep.
His phone buzzed. He tucked the blanket around me and walked away with a finger in his ear to