I had to excavate in group. Nothing was easy about digging deep and serving up your insides to a shrink in front of other people. To admitting how you’d become more tightly wound, more angry, more combustible.
That’s the guy I was.
A guy nearly driven mad from loss.
I missed my brother every damn day. Still did. But thanks to Jake making sure I had a place to vent, I was finally able to process, to accept.
And eventually to move beyond the searing pain.
I learned how to come to peace with the loss.
Then I met Lily. I fell so goddamn hard I still had bruises on my ass.
Hypothetically.
Point being, I didn’t fall in love till I had dealt with the grief. And when I fell, I fell all the way into the deep end, no turning back. It was like I was finally able to access my heart again, my emotions, and hell, it was incredible to be able to do so, and even better to give them to her.
To someone who cherished what I had to offer. Who valued and honored it. Who understood who I was, and who I wanted to be.
Was I obsessed with pleasing her?
Yeah, I was.
So sue me.
But this particular fantasy she had? The one she seemed to only tell Google and Tumblr?
I was obsessed with that, too. Because I didn’t want my woman to go unfulfilled. I didn’t want her to feel deprived of a single thing. Besides, my job was to be better than Google and Tumblr. To deliver the real thing to her. To make her happy beyond measure.
But where would I find a willing participant who wasn’t a freak? Who Lily would want?
It wasn’t like I was going to get on Craigslist or post an ad on Tinder. Wait, did Tinder even have ads for seeking a third person?
Those questions raced through my head as we played basketball and I missed shot after shot. When we finished, Jake smacked my shoulder. “Destroyed you.”
Hmm. Seems he did.
“Must be a blue moon,” I joked.
He flipped me the bird. “Admit it—you suck at literally everything.”
“I am awesome at everything. Except, admittedly, today’s game.” I held up a finger. “But in my defense, my mind was elsewhere.”
He mirrored me, holding up a finger in mockery. “There’s no asterisk that says he was distracted when we’re keeping score. Besides, what could be on your mind other than this game? I’m guessing it’s not Adam’s deal?”
“Nah, you’re the man to take point on those.”
“As I do. Delivering at one hundred ten percent.” He took a beat, gave me a thoughtful look. “So what’s going on?”
I shrugged and smiled. “What can I say? My mind was on Lily.”
Jake smirked. “Well, that’s understandable. You’re probably going to go home and screw like bunnies all night. It’s a wonder you make it into work at all.”
I flashed him an evil grin. “You’re right. It is one of the eight wonders of the modern world. And speaking of our record, this weekend I’ll be accepting my award for excellence in stamina and endless pleasure delivery at the Men’s Conference of Gods in Bed.”
“Asshole,” he muttered.
I clapped his shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll find a woman for you soon.”
Jake met his last girlfriend online, and she’d seemed perfect. At first, Debbie had wanted to take it slow. But after three months, she’d demanded he put a ring on it. He wasn’t ready, so he’d asked if they could see where things went. Debbie had declared no, since her clock was ticking.
That was that, and since then he’d been taking a break from the apps.
“In the meantime, just tell me your stories and I’ll live vicariously,” Jake said.
“Pervert. But if I told you—and I won’t—I’d have plenty, because this weekend I plan to spend every waking second pleasuring my woman.”
For that, I earned the double bird.
I laughed. “Sorry, not sorry.”
“Yeah, you better not be sorry. Every man is jealous of you.”
I tilted my head, curious. “What do you mean by that?”
He shot me a look like it was as obvious as tomato sauce on a new dress shirt. “Have you seen your fiancée? She’s beautiful. I don’t know why she fell for your ugly ass. And somehow, she tolerates you, too. You better not be dumb enough to ever let go of her.”
That’s when the heavens parted and the filthy angels clanged their cymbals against my head, calling out, You idiot. The answer is right in front of you.
The answer was under my nose.
If I was