Endure - Sara B. Larson Page 0,14
and I had emerged from after using the secret passageway from my room to Damian’s to get to him and Vera. “I know you care about him. That you probably even love him. And it’s not in your nature to leave it to someone else to help those you love.”
“It’s not only that —”
“Let me finish, please.” Damian held up a hand, and I obediently fell silent. He turned to face me but didn’t move, leaving the distance between us. “I know that you love him. But you also love me … don’t you?”
I nodded, my eyes burning.
“I know this makes me selfish, but I’m asking you — pleading with you — if you love me at all, stay here. Help me figure out what is happening and help me avoid war. Stay where I know you are safe. I will send a contingent of men after Rafe to get Rylan back. I won’t let them get away. They can’t have gotten far yet. He’ll be back by the end of the week.”
A terrible, gnawing pain seized my stomach, clutching my belly and making me feel ill. But how could I fault him for this request? He was right; I’d risked myself so many times — often against his will — and so far, I’d been lucky. I’d survived. But maybe next time I wouldn’t.
“If you’re going to force me to choose you or him, I choose you, Damian,” I said, even as my heart broke at the thought of Rylan out there in the jungle, wounded by my sword, trapped with Rafe. “I’ll stay here, if that is what you wish.”
Damian nodded, but he still looked miserable. “I’m sorry, Alexa. I’m so sorry.”
I hesitantly stepped toward him, and when he didn’t stop me, I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his shoulder so he couldn’t see my tears. “Don’t be sorry for needing me,” I said against his tunic, my voice muffled. “I need you, too.”
His arms came around me, clutching me to him. “I don’t know what to do,” he admitted, sounding so lost, so afraid. “I don’t know how to save my kingdom.”
There was nothing I could say to him that wasn’t an empty promise, so I just held him more tightly. We stood there, wrapped in each other, trying to push our fears away, until I remembered Deron and the other guards, waiting for word about their king, and pulled back slightly.
“I should go. The guard is … concerned. I need to tell them that you’re all right.”
Damian stared down at me and then nodded. “Of course. Please send them my apologies for my inexcusable behavior.”
“You’re the king, Damian. You can act however you want.”
He was silent for a long moment and then made a noise that was somewhere between a sigh and a mirthless laugh. “Regardless, I would appreciate it if you sent them my apologies.”
“Of course,” I said, feeling as though we were still off balance for some reason. As though the weight of Rylan’s absence, and Damian’s asking me to stay with him, had tilted the ground we stood on, leaving us on unsure footing.
Damian lifted his hand, and this time, he stroked the skin along my jaw with the back of his fingers, sending a shudder of need through me. “Thank you,” he whispered.
I stared up at him, silent, waiting. But then he let his hand drop and turned away without kissing me.
Unaccountably cold, despite the ever-present humidity and sweltering heat of the jungle, I turned and left Damian standing by his window, looking out at the now-dark courtyard.
The palace was quiet; the hush of nightfall and sleep silenced everything but the sound of my boots on the stone floor. I’d told Deron and the rest of the guard to take up their normal positions, that Damian had been upset by the loss of General Ferraun, Lenora, and so many good men and that he would be fine by the morning. I knew him well enough to know that was true — or at least, he would resume his act of seeming fine, even if he wasn’t.
Damian had stayed in his room, presumably having gone to bed. I was certain he was actually pacing, worrying, and trying to figure out what to do next. Though it wasn’t my night to be on duty, I wasn’t able to sleep, either. So instead, I was trying to find answers.
When I reached Eljin’s room, I knocked softly on the shut door.
There was