I don’t.
On my knees, I let sorrow have its way. I let my face crumble and my eyes tear. I let my fists clench and my chest heave. I let my heart break and my soul scream. I let it go until I’m too weak to move.
Only then do I breathe.
Only then can I breathe.
Taking deep, calming swallows of air, I inhale and exhale slowly. A picture comes to mind, one of my wife in the next room, confusion written on her stunning face as she wonders where I went. And why I haven’t come back.
I can’t bear the thought that she might, even for a single heartbeat, think I’ve left her. It’s that thought, that image that brings me to my feet and sends me back the way I came, back to the one who has brought me the most pleasure of my life.
And, now, the most pain.
Twenty
Stick to Your Guns
Nate
A loud crash followed by a dull thump wakes me. I’m on my feet and out the bedroom door before my brain has time to fully process the fear that’s gripping me.
“Lena?” I call.
No answer.
Frantic and bewildered, I search first the kitchen and then the living room, berating myself as I go. How did I fall into such a deep sleep that I didn’t hear her get up? How did I let myself relax so completely?
I know the answer—exhaustion. I haven’t slept soundly in weeks. That, coupled with constant worry, has finally caught up with me.
When I put Lena in bed last night and crawled in beside her, she’d turned to snuggle into my side like she used to do. “I love you,” she’d murmured right before she fell back into her coma-like rest. My heart had been so full of adoration and agony, I thought I’d never be able to sleep.
But I did.
I must’ve dozed right off and stayed that way through her exit from the room.
“Christ Almighty!” I breathe when I spot my wife lying on her side on the brick paver patio. She’s visibly struggling to help herself up, but very ineffectively. She’s reaching for something to hold onto, but her fingers grasp at thin, vacant night air.
Rushing to her side, I take her gently under her arms and ease her into a sitting position. “Are you okay?”
My eyes rake her from head to toe, pausing at the pale cotton material between her legs to look for signs of bleeding. I exhale in relief when I see none.
Lena laughs, a high-pitched sound like a little girl. “I slipped in the wet grass,” she explains, patting the bricks beside her. “But I almost got it. Look!” She’s pointing up into the dark sky, gesturing toward something only she can see. “Get it, Daddy! Get it before it gets away.”
That’s when I realize what she’s seeing—lightning bugs. In her mind, she’s a child again, chasing fireflies with her father.
Her reality drifts further and further from mine with every passing day, it seems. I’m losing her hour by hour, millimeter by millimeter, breath by breath. I know it won’t be very long before she leaves my world and never comes back.
Another crack in my heart widens into a gaping chasm, leaking a little more of my hope and strength and soul into the cool predawn air.
I reposition myself and bend to scoop Lean into my arms. Her gaze remains trained on the insects I can’t see, her face bright and full of wonder. Despite her sunken cheeks and the blue-black smudges still visible beneath her eyes, she’s strikingly beautiful in her thrall. Enough to make me catch my breath.
Still.
Always.
That’s why I pivot toward the lounger, the one with the cream-colored blanket thrown over the raised back, and sit. I pull Lena against my chest and reach behind me for the fuzzy cover, dragging it over both of us to ward off the slight chill. She tugs it up to her chin and nestles her head into the curve of my neck then lets out a long sigh like she couldn’t be happier. I brush my lips over blonde hair cast silver by the moonlight, and I hold my wife until she falls back to sleep.
********
The following day, I drive Lena to the hospital for the placement of a nasogastric tube through which she can be fed supplemental nutrition. The oncologist suspects that her decreasing ability to swallow means that the tumor has spread up into the bottom portion of her esophagus. Dr. Taffer wants to get the NG tube