Why?! Why would the judges so deliberately ignore it? Are they jealous? Is this… a case of professional jealousy? How else could they not see what was so obvious? But he can’t get any of this out because he’s wailing, gnashing, beating his fists repeatedly on the floor. “It’s j-j-just so, uh, uh… j-j-just so… unfaarirgh!”
At this point we’ve got what we needed.
“All right, cut,” someone yells. Security intervenes.
And then it’s time for the good singer to come in, and we go through this all again, only in reverse.
12
Snake Break!
I SUPPOSE THERE’S AT least one thing to be said for filming a TV show this way: It’s quick. Len makes drama as efficiently as General Motors makes cars. In fact, it takes just three and a half minutes to “process” a contestant in the judges’ audition suite. Enter. Sing. A few words from the judges. Yes or no. Then on to the next. (The yeses are told, “You’re going to Vegas, baby!” referring to the last round of the prerecorded shows, held in Las Vegas, where the contestants are filtered yet again before the live episodes finally air. The nos are given any number of euphemisms for “you suck,” including the JD classic “you’re not ready yet.”)
And how did Joey and Bibi do?
Well, they were cordial, at least. And if they were bored, they at least disguised it, unlike Nigel Crowther during season twelve, when he barely kept his eyes open during the auditions—on the few occasions he bothered to show up at all.
Len’s fears about camaraderie proved well-founded, though. It wasn’t so much bad as just nonexistent. Sure, every so often Joey would get mad about the vandalism of a beloved song—thus providing the highlight of the day’s filming—but for the most part he was uncharacteristically inoffensive and uncritical. What had happened to the piano-hugging Joey from the sanity checks? As for Bibi, she was an even bigger disappointment. She didn’t even seem to be looking at the podium half the time. In fact, if one person held it all together during that first afternoon, it was JD, with his reassuring “booya-ka-kas” and genuine efforts to offer musicianly advice. Without him, the footage would have been a write-off.
The biggest problem, as far as I could tell, was the stop-start nature of the takes, which meant the panel never gained momentum. The interruptions came in three forms. First: Bibi’s makeup. It seemed that every other minute, she halted production to call in the so-called Glam Squad—i.e., her five stylists, who formed a silent, diligent circle around her, like surgeons preparing to remove an organ. And every time Bibi called in the Glam Squad, Joey felt obligated to do the same—only he had the Mojo Squad, which consisted basically of Mitch and a powder puff. The second cause of delays: Wardrobe changes. Bibi went through three in a day, a number exceeded only by Teddy, whose suits changed by the hour. Fortunately, Joey didn’t feel the need to compete in this regard. But Joey disrupted the proceedings in another, more serious way: Snake breaks.
As in, “Okay, folks, gotta shake the snake!”
I swear, Joey took a snake break between every contestant. Either his prostrate was shot, I concluded, or his bladder was the size of a peanut. And of course it didn’t help that he was getting through a gallon of Kangen water every other minute.
No one on the crew dared complain. After all, Bibi and Joey were saving all our jobs—or that was the idea, anyway. In reality, I can’t have been the only one to wonder how long it would take for Sir Harold to cancel the show when he saw our first day’s work.
It was Day Two when Len finally lost his patience. We were four hours behind schedule thanks to snake breaks, outfit changes, and the Glam/Mojo Squads, the contestants had been uniformly boring, and it was time for the judges to deliver their opinions on yet another depressingly average rendition of “Rolling in the Deep.” Only Bibi wasn’t concentrating. Again. She was just staring blankly into the middle distance—which meant that if we ever used the footage, some poor editor in a darkened bunker would have to make sure she was cut out of the shot. Not an easy task, given her regal position at the center of the judges’ table.
“Bill,” said Len, over the headset. “Follow Bibi’s line of sight. Find out what the fuck she’s looking at. This is ridiculous. I’ve seen zombies make more