opened the app and saw that I had forty matches to go through. As I sipped my coffee, I swiped through my potential soulmates and did my best not to compare each and every one of them to Holden Reed.
The problem with that was the more I tried to not compare them, the more I thought about him. And that was a subject my brain didn’t need any encouragement obsessing over. Last night certainly hadn’t helped me in that department. I had brand-new source material to pull from. My mind filled with visions of his soulful eyes, chiseled jaw, sculpted arms, and muscular chest.
And those were just his physical attributes, which were nothing compared to his wit, intelligence, ambition, tenacity, intensity, and passion.
His single-minded drive had always been so attractive to me. From the time we were little, he’d known what he wanted to do. Which was why, besides his physical trauma, I’d been so worried about how he was doing mentally and emotionally. The rodeo hadn’t just been his job, it had been his life. I couldn’t begin to imagine how he was processing the loss of it.
Not able to shake Holden from my head, I closed the dating app and pulled up Instagram. My thumb hovered over the arrow icon and I thought about sending him a message letting him know that I saw him last night and didn’t get a chance to say hi, but I’d love to catch up if he was still in town.
No! I couldn’t go down that rabbit hole again. I’d slid into his DMs several times over the years and his responses had always been short and impersonal.
I’d ask how he was doing, he’d reply, “Just fine, thank you.”
I’d congratulate him on a championship, he’d say, “Thanks so much. Appreciate it.”
Never once had he asked me how I was doing or what I was up to. It was clear, he did not feel the same way about me as I did about him. And as much as his fall had pulled at my heartstrings, I needed to face facts. He had a girlfriend. He had a family and friends who loved him. And he hadn’t reached out to me, so obviously he didn’t need or want my support.
The best thing I could do for myself was to move on with my life. If I was ever going to have a healthy relationship, I had to get over him once and for all.
I pulled the dating app back up and forced myself to ‘heart’ several guys whose profiles didn’t throw up any obvious red flags, letting them know that I matched with them. Then, I set my phone down and resolved not to let Holden’s return derail all the work I’d put in lately on myself, specifically my openness to meeting someone.
With a renewed sense of determination, I finished my coffee and went back upstairs to brush my teeth, pull my hair up, and get ready for my morning yoga practice which I decided I’d be doing in the buff for the first time. Today was a new day, I was going to break down barriers and open myself up to new opportunities.
What better way to do that than sans clothes in downward dog? This time my inner voice sounded a lot like Molly.
But I didn’t let the thought dissuade me. Instead of pulling on leggings and a sports bra, I undressed and slid on a robe. Every step I took down the stairs, I could feel my bare thighs rubbing together and my pulse sped up. By the time I made it to the back door, I was in full panic mode like I was walking the plank on a pirate ship, which made zero sense.
I didn’t have to do this.
No one was forcing me to.
I’d decided to do this completely of my own accord, because I wanted to spice up my life.
I could change my mind, go back upstairs, and get dressed. There would be no consequences.
But something was stopping me from doing that. I needed to rewire my brain, to break the habit loops I was in. Nervously, I bit the inside of my cheek.
“I can do this, right?” I asked Channing for assurance.
His response was to curl up in his large bed and flop down for his first nap of the day which he always took right after finishing breakfast. He was snoring seconds after his head hit the cushion.