at the foot of his bed, tension flaring up my neck, like the teasing beginnings of a headache. “You make it sound almost—vulgar.”
He rolled his eyes. “It’s the root of your problems, isn’t it?”
“I don’t recall telling you anything of the sort.”
“You didn’t need to. It’s obvious in how you think anything that could ruin your chances of being perceived as the perfect bride is bad.”
I looked away, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. “That was because everything depended on my being chosen by a—powerful man. It would have benefited not just my future children, but my family, and everyone dependent on them. I grew up believing my very life depended on it.”
He said nothing, just nodded, encouraging me to say more.
No one had ever really wanted to hear what I thought, or considered I might have thoughts that were different from what I was taught to say.
I smiled bitterly. “I would never say this to anyone back home, but if I had a choice, I wouldn’t want to be some powerful man’s wife. Or never just that. All it does is make you a target for envy and vitriol. Then there are the boundaries and limitations of what is appropriate, what is expected, and what is out of bounds. It would have been different if the advantages that came with the disadvantages were what I valued or enjoyed or aspired to. But I’ve discovered, they’re not.” I set my hands on my lap, not feeling flesh, but sensing my legs regardless, and they were shaking. “But I have to do it, as it’s the only thing I can do, and what I want doesn’t matter. Like you said, my happiness about it was never a requirement.”
Robin didn’t say anything still. For long, long moments.
When I finally gathered enough nerve to check if he had fallen asleep again, I found him watching me with sad eyes.
Then he finally attempted a smile. “Being a rough-handed, sun-burned farmer sounds very liberating all of a sudden, doesn’t it?”
I huffed a mirthless laugh. “That’s taking it a little bit too far for me. But I suppose that kind of life comes with a lot less surveillance, judgment, and just more space, in every sense of the word.”
I couldn’t help thinking of Cora again. Her mother was the Mistress of the Granary, a fertile region south of Arbore that fed a huge part of the Folkshore. It was an inherited matriarchal title that carried no noble blood or rank, like a benevolent dictatorship, if there were such a thing.
She had arrived in Cahraman with the possibility of becoming a future queen, and all she’d done was moan and groan about wanting to return to her fields and animals, where she was useful and in control. But she’d still moved through her day with the confidence of a wealthy lord’s son, unbowed by the opinions of others, the sway of superiors, or threats of any sort.
In one of my least dignified moments, right after she’d saved me, too, I’d threatened her with the power I wielded as a princess. She’d decimated my claims with indisputable facts that had shown me how little I knew of how the world worked on every level, and how little impact I had on anything.
This rough-handed girl with dirty feet and unfiltered speech, who ate with her hands and fought with them, too, was the antithesis of what I was.
And how I envied her.
I envied her freedom, inside her own mind before anything else, and her confidence in her role in life. Like me, she had her destiny preordained for her, as she was born to run the Granary. But unlike me, whatever she did while she did it, would be her choice.
Robin waved a hand in front of my face, regaining my attention. “All right then, how about we don’t go that far? How about a middle ground status, sort of like what musicals are?”
I exhaled dejectedly. “What would a human musical be?”
His vivid eyes twinkled with mischief, and I got the impression that he was trying to tease me out of my funk. “To rephrase: Being a hard-working, mid-ranking professional sounds very liberating all of a sudden, doesn’t it?”
“And being a nobleman with legislative influence sounds very attractive now, doesn’t it?” I fired back.
His lips twisted sardonically. “Funny how you’d rather be lower down the ranks to have the opportunity to just be yourself.” He tugged at the pointed tip of his ear. “While my very nature and lower