manila envelope. He sighed with relief and looked at it, trying to figure out how to reverse the effect. The obvious starting point was the seventh stage of the calculation, but he couldn’t quite see –
He wrote a few lines, then realised he’d run out of space. He remembered that Pieter’s letter was still inside, took it out and turned it over to use the back. And saw a scribbled note in Pieter’s writing which he hadn’t noticed before:
PS: you’ll need a user name, password, PIN number and product licence number. These are as follows:
user name: pietervangoyen6
password: flawlessdiamondsoforthdoxy
PIN: 20485205720593724084503266384500923486 233458698743330503400564656452
product licence number: 1
MEMORISE THESE IMMEDIATELY. To input them, just say them aloud and clap your hands three times.
Regards,
P.
So he did that; and nothing happened.
He was about to break down and cry when it occurred to him that he’d logged on but he hadn’t done anything yet. So he yelled “Help!”; and, a moment later, he saw a little man walk out of the edge of the corn and start trudging up the hill towards him. He was old and he had a limp, and he had to stop and rest twice, but eventually he dragged himself up level with where Theo was standing and dropped down at the foot of the beech tree, breathing hard.
“Are you—?”
“Just a minute, got to get my breath.”
He was short, no more than four feet, with a Santa Claus beard and flyaway white hair under a stained and tatty jester’s hat, and he wore black boots with tarnished silver buckles. His doublet was embroidered with question marks.
“You’re Help,” Theo said.
“That’s me,” Help wheezed.
“But a minute ago you were a—”
“Yes,” Help said.
“There was a hawk, and—”
Help nodded. “Yes,” he said. “Just because someone thought it’d be smart to use unregistered software. Only,” he added, with a resentful glance in Theo’s direction, “it’s not the goddamn cheapskate user who gets eaten by the frigging hawk. Oh no. Right,” he went on, sitting up and stretching. “What d’you want?”
“I want to go home,” Theo said. “Now.”
Help shrugged. “Who’s stopping you?”
“I don’t know how.”
“You don’t – oh for crying out loud. Hold on, though.” He looked up at Theo and frowned. “You’re not Professor van Goyen.”
Here we go, Theo said to himself. “Um, no. I’m his heir.”
“His what?”
“Heir. He left me this – this thing in his will.”
Help looked at him as though he was talking in a language he didn’t understand. “The professor’s dead?”
“Yes. Didn’t—”
Help sighed, a long and rather dramatic process in three acts. “Of course, nobody thinks to tell me. Oh no. I find stuff out as I go along, it’s more challenging that way. Dead? Really?”
Theo nodded.
Help thought for a moment, then shrugged. “Rest his soul,” he said. “So, what did he die of, then?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know. Of course you don’t. Ah well. Leaving,” Help said briskly. “Piece of cake.”
“That’s easy for you to—”
“Usually,” Help went on, as if he hadn’t spoken, “a piece of cake. More precisely, a doughnut; though technically a bagel would do just as well.”
Can’t have heard that right. “Doughnut?”
“Yes, doughnut. You can buy them at any baker, patisserie or pavement café. In fact, the first thing you should do on arrival is go straight—”
Theo extended his arms. “Where, for pity’s sake? We’re in the middle of nowhere.”
Help sighed. “Just over the skyline there,” he said, pointing due north, “there’s a roadside vendor selling a wide range of food products, including doughnuts. Trust me, there’ll always be one somewhere, no matter where you end up, it’s hardwired into the OS. Anyway, so, you’ve got your doughnut. Simply take it in your hand and lift it level with your eyes, and look through the hole in the middle.”
Theo waited for a moment, then said, “And?”
Help shook his head. “That’s it,” he said. “That gets you home.”
“A doughnut?”
“A doughnut. Any doughnut, so long as it’s round and it’s got a hole in it. Don’t,” Help added quickly as Theo drew a deep breath, “ask me how it works, it just does. So,” he added, as Theo shook his head in disbelief, “just to run over the salient points once more. Bakery or similar retail outlet. Doughnut. Lift, look and leave. Now, do you think you’ve got a handle on that, or would you like me to run through it again for you?”
Theo let the deep breath go. “No,” he said, “that’s fine, I’ll give it a go and see what happens.” He remembered something; the contents of his belt pouch. “I