Don't Overthink It - Anne Bogel Page 0,48

to get to bed on time. I choose the candle I’ll light in the morning and set the timer on the kettle so the water is hot when I wake up. The last thing I do is read a few chapters of an interesting novel—but not a thriller, lest I be tempted to stay up too late—before I turn out the light. I prefer fiction before bed, because instead of dwelling on my own concerns at bedtime, I focus on those of fictional characters and go to sleep thinking about their problems instead of my own.

Rituals Connect Us to One Another

Strong relationships are good for us, and rituals are an excellent way to build them. They can be as simple as a standing coffee date you religiously observe, a supper club with friends who consciously celebrate coming together, or a weeknight family dinner. Much research has been devoted to the family dinner, and the results are staggering: this simple ritual increases children’s emotional stability; bolsters their sense of identity, self-confidence, and connectedness; and deepens their spirit of resilience—all attributes that give them a strong foundation from which to venture out into the world (or, let’s face it, into the caves of their own minds). This strong foundation is particularly helpful during times of transition or increased stress.

There’s nothing remarkable about the dinner hour. The important thing is what happens when we gather with others—though it’s true that food motivates people to show up. In fact, my mother swears her grandmother maintained close relationships with all her grandchildren because she issued a standing invitation to her entire family for Saturday morning breakfast. If they came, she would cook. They came, and she did. Without the food, they wouldn’t have been as motivated to come. (Many of her grandchildren were teenage boys at the time, and my great-grandmother said it was no coincidence she built the ritual around breakfast!) The significance came not from the food but from what happened at the table: the sense of community, the conversation, and the commitment to being together.

Our friends Dave and Amanda traveled to Israel last year and saw firsthand the Shabbat ritual practiced by Jewish people there. The whole community observes a weekly day of rest, from sundown Friday until three stars appear in the Saturday evening sky. Our friends aren’t Jewish, but the Jewish family who hosted them in Israel encouraged them to try the practice back home to see if it made a difference in the way they saw the world. They tried it, and it did.

Dave and Amanda went all out for their Shabbat-inspired ritual. (When I observed as much to Amanda, she laughed. “Dave doesn’t do things halfway,” she said.) Their new ritual consisted of special meals, a brief reading of prayers, frequent guests, and a strict no-screen rule. Dave and Amanda invited our family to join them one Friday evening, and Dave issued the invitation months in advance. We arrived on a Friday night, bearing only a bottle of wine. Dave already had his signature chicken on the grill, the same recipe he prepared every week. We ate by candlelight, following Dave’s reading of their chosen prayers, and after we ate, we lingered well into the evening on the back deck.

You don’t have to go all out like Dave does to experience the benefits of ritual. Elevate a simple meal or get-together to a ritual by signaling that you value it: set the table, light a candle, place some flowers at the center, or say a word of thanks for the time you’re spending with friends or family. You could go all out and do all four. But the point isn’t the trappings, it’s the people.

Becoming the Kind of Person Who Overthinks Less

Rituals help us stop overthinking on a daily basis, both by proactively directing our focus and, when needed, stopping overthinking in its tracks. But because the benefits of practicing rituals accumulate over time, rituals also help us stop overthinking in the long term. That’s because the regular practice of ritual provides rhythm and meaning to our days and increases our sense of connectedness.

Perhaps unexpectedly, rituals also bolster our sense of identity and give us a sense of security. That’s because rituals aren’t just something we do, they’re something we choose. Rituals deliberately support our priorities, our health, and our relationships. They make our small world a better and more peaceful place. When we’re grounded and healthy, we overthink less. When we’re connected to people and feel supported,