want to forget the night ever happened. I want to rewind the clock and never hear his true feelings because all it’s done is make everything messy. I’ve never loved him and hated him as much as I do in this moment.
I love that he wants me.
But I hate it’s not enough for him to take a chance on us.
Roamyn’s hand secures around my waist. “Ali.”
“No. Don’t,” I plead with him with my eyes. “Please, don’t say it.”
The pain of a million pins, stab me in the chest but it doesn’t overpower the loss of Roamyn’s touch when he drops his hand from my waist and steps away. He flattens his lips into a hard line and reality smacks me in the face. He’s letting me walk away. From the bar. From us. From him. I wipe the wetness from my face and breathe in courage I don’t have because I have to keep it together, no matter how badly I want to fall apart. I don’t want to let him see his effect on me. It’ll prove everything he just said about time and healing to be true.
“Excuse me,” I mumble, turning away from a pain stricken Roamyn and other bodies dancing on top of another. The green exit sign illuminates in the distance. I reach the door of the bar and a wave of relief crashes into me as my resolve cracks further. The reprieve doesn’t last long when two familiar faces walk straight into me.
“Shit, sorry.” I reach out to steady the girl, I bumped into. They are both dressed in glittery short dresses and heels that make them taller than the average man. Two girls Adriana and I used to hang out with greet me with their usual over the top dramatics of bright smiles and annoying cheeriness. I internally groan at the terrible timing.
“Ali you have to stay for a drink with us.” Lea’s eyes light up and Anna nods, agreeing.
“Come on girl, we haven’t seen you in forever. Just one, pleeease?” Anna drags out her please and I pull my phone out of my pocket to check the time.
I nibble on my lip against my better judgment, force a small smile and give in. “All right. One drink. But only water for me. Then I really have to go.”
I slide my phone back into my pocket. Lea claps her hands together and before I can back out they come up either side of me, linking their arms in mine and drag me back toward the bar. I don’t know what possessed me to stay. To endure the torture of being in the same room as Roamyn yet pretending we’re nothing more than strangers. A part of me wants to watch him suffer just as I am. To let him see me sitting here with two gorgeous girls, laughing, talking, getting hit on by the occasional guy, acting like I didn’t just have the only man I’ve ever loved rip my heart out of my chest. I want him to see me strong, not weak. Even if it’s the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever had, it was too late to change my mind. My head’s no longer ruling any decisions, my battered heart has taken control.
I swallow hard. Razors cut down my entire esophagus. My eyes settle onto Ali, who’s bent over the sidewalk with Cassidy rubbing her back. Maybe the pain is payback. Watching Ali slurring as she reaches for her sister and vomits instead, is payback. A big fuck you for breaking her heart. Well, mission fucking accomplished.
She wants me to suffer? This is suffering.
She wants me to feel it too? I fucking feel it.
I can feel the disappointment, a slow burn. Disintegrating with every drop of hope I’d had that she was stronger than this. Mason’s glare burns into me from the corner of my eye and I meet him head on with a frown to match his own because I’m angry too.
I’m angry Ali gave in to an addiction I know she can fight.
I’m angry at myself for letting her walk away believing I won’t fight for us. I am. I will. But everything she said was a shock to my system. For the most part, she was right. And I needed time to process what it means. To deal. I’ve fought for control after having none. I never want to feel helpless again but with her I have no choice. I’m powerless against her, but for the first time in