for me, and I've always known that. I know my own heart. Lucien just seemed so certain. He was really convincing.
Because he's trying to push you away, my love, Kyanite said. He doesn't want to feel anything for you, but it's obvious he does. Just two heartfelt conversations and you're getting through to him. You may not have convinced him that he's capable of love, but you've made him want to be, Elaria. That's something.
Who gives a shit? RS huffed. The Cock Collective is here to save the day. We won't have to deal with this motherfucker much longer.
I stumbled. I'd been so distracted by what Lucien had said that I'd completely forgotten my men were on their way. Lucien glanced back at me with a frown before stopping. He flagged down a shabby taxi heading in the direction we'd just come from and ushered me in the back. We drove away just as someone started screaming. As we passed the restaurant, I saw a couple come stumbling out, the man pulling out his cellphone with an expression of horror across his face. Frankly, I was shocked that Lucien's little murder spree hadn't caught someone's attention sooner. Then we passed an alley that was darker than it should have been for that time of day, and I knew who was hiding there, behind the shadows.
Yeah, that's them, RS confirmed. And they're asking what you want them to do next.
Give them the address Lucien gave the cabbie, I said. Tell them to meet us there. It's bound to be more private than a street in the middle of town.
On it!
I don't like this, my love, Kyanite said. The Devil won't let you go easily.
It will be okay, Ky. All we have to do is stab him with that dagger. If Lucien orders me to sing, silence me immediately.
Very well.
As we drove out of the city, I went back to pondering Lucien. I did know my own heart. Things with Lucifer and me had been complicated and rough. What we'd gone through together had wounded us in ways that had seemed insurmountable before. But it wasn't only the trauma that kept me from loving Lucifer like that. RS was right; he simply wasn't the kind of man I could fall in love with.
Luke was a bit broken and could be self-absorbed and even ruthless. He was a god and ruled his world as one, but when it came to me he was gentle. Unfailingly kind. Always sweet and compassionate. No matter how I treated him, he loved me. He came for me when I needed him. I could count on him, count on his love, and it should have been a mark in his favor. But it wasn't. A part of me was repelled by it; that he kept holding on while I kept pushing him away. It was only recently, when he'd finally shown me some backbone, that I'd felt anything more than friendship for him. As fucked up as it sounds, when he snarled at me in that alley, something sparked in my chest. Not love, but respect. And love cannot grow without respect.
It was so clear now. I respected Lucifer, of course I did, but not as an alpha male. Not in that primitive, chest-pounding, heart-pounding way. I'm not saying I want a caveman or to be dominated, though, that can be fun once in a while. There has to be a balance. Softness and sharpness. Domination and submission. A strong hand that can hold me tenderly. Without the Devil's deadly edges to give him dimension, Lucifer just didn't... excite me. I needed some darkness with my light. My heart had been formed for Darkness—to love Darkness—and now, it couldn't love without it. Not evil, but shadows. Depth. As RS so aptly put it, I needed a man with bite, and Lucifer simply didn't have the teeth for it.
And then there was Lucien. Lucifer's darker side. But he was too dark. Too cruel. Without Lucifer's Light, the Devil sank into shadows. As broken as his other half, but in different ways. Two extremes. Together, they might have been the perfect man. Maybe once, when he first took form, that's what Lucifer was. But then he had split himself, and his children rose against him. He had fought for freedom, and I had given it to him, but then I'd torn that cruel piece of his soul away and cast it adrift. I had done this to him. I had