lessons you’ve learned from cartoon characters?’”
Ohh. He got a good one. I cross my feet at the ankles and wonder what amazingly deep lessons he’s learned. I wonder if we’ve watched the same cartoons.
William smiles at everyone again. And this time, the smile comes with a long pause. “So, growing up, I used to like, um—”
Uh oh, he said “um.” That’s verboten. I glance over to see Kastros jotting something down on a sheet of paper. Shit. He’s tracking this. But it will be fine. Totally fine. He’ll rig it so William gets to go.
“Yeah, I liked to watch Squidbillies. And I think that one of the, um, life lessons from it is that…uh…sarcasm is important?” That last bit comes out as a question.
Oh no. He’s bombing. Not only did he mention one of the most satirically, not-school-appropriate cartoons of all time, now he can’t even string together two sentences about it.
I take my hands off my chin and stare at my cuticles for the remainder of the minute. It’s a long minute, and I nearly pick my cuticles into non-existence during it.
When William finally sits, I don’t even get a second to feel relief. Because Kastros is suddenly looming over me and sliding a card into my hand.
Dammit.
I glance down at my topics, which are all incredibly personal and uncomfortable. “Rigged!” I want to shout, but I can’t.
My topics?
Is love real or an illusion?
Is true love the outcome of fate or choice?
If fate determines love, then can you forgive your love if they betray you? Or is betrayal simply a part of that fate?
Shit.
I close my eyes and point, letting my finger control my destiny. And I land on the last damn topic. Fuck my life.
I quickly try to organize my thoughts, gather them up.
All too soon, it’s my turn to speak. With sweaty palms, I clutch my index card like it’s a lifeline. I make my way to the front of the room. I try to do the smile thing like William did, but I’m pretty sure that it looks more like a grimace.
I read my topic aloud and then start.
“This topic operates on a lot of assumptions that are counterintuitive to most Americans. We tend to believe in free will and forging our own destiny. But if some outside force has predetermined whom we love, then why wouldn’t they also predetermine our pain? If they have control over one emotion, why not both? If our lives are actually predetermined, I’d argue that fury or forgiveness are also predetermined. Maybe we aren’t in control of anything at all.” My eyes scan the room and lock onto William’s. He’s sitting there, slack-jawed, as if…he’s in awe. Of me.
Suddenly, my feet aren’t sure they’re touching the floor. I feel so light, I’m sure I must be floating. I continue, “It’s rather boring to think that everything is known, though, isn’t it? Where’s the fun in that? If everything is predetermined and there’s no free will, then there’s also no real surprises or excitement for God or the supernatural being doing all the choosing. And isn’t surprise one of the best parts of existence? I hope that fate isn’t in charge of love, because I think if it is, it loses a lot of its value.” My eyes skip hesitantly over to Kastros to see how I’m doing.
His deep brown eyes drill right into mine. I keep our connection as I say, “Personally, I want love to be a choice.”
Kastros holds up a fist to signal that my time has ended. I nod at him and then take my seat. My cheeks flame up as soon as I sit down, even though Tim pats me on the back.
“Dude, great job,” he compliments.
“You were okay.” Wade can never truly say anything nice; he doesn’t have it in him. But the grumpy man does give me a smile. “Not as good as I’m gonna be though.”
I sigh, just glad the spotlight is off of me.
The rest of the speeches, sans those by Janie’s crew, are pretty smooth sailing. We are all pretty evenly matched. Of course, most of us have been practicing all year.
Janie has to go last. And when she stands up, all of her earlier swagger is lost. She practically hisses when she tells us her topic—why intellect is more important than beauty.
I have to use my hand to cover the snicker that comes over me. Oh, shit. I thought Kastros rigged my speech, but this, this is perfection.
Watching Janie struggle