want to be here. I assume you want to know the same things Kayden wanted to know.”
I actually just wanted to pressure him for a way to trigger my memory, but I suddenly do want the answers Kayden wanted. “He told you that you could tell me?”
“Anything you want to know.”
I am once again reminded of my father’s advice. The truth is in his eyes and his actions. “What did he ask you?”
“He asked me if the return of your memory could change who you seem to be now.”
“Who I seem to be,” I repeat. The “seem to be” is pretty hard to swallow, but I can’t fault Kayden for asking what I also want to know. “And?”
“I’ve studied the data on this, and there aren’t enough cases like yours to be sure.”
“You mean I could end up a completely different person?”
“Unlikely.”
“Unlikely?”
“It’s very individual.”
“That’s a nonanswer.”
“It’s the answer I have to give you. Not only are there a minute number of people who’ve gone through this, but the circumstances they find themselves in could affect the outcome. It’s like a husband lost at sea for years, and when he returns his wife has remarried. Does she love him less?”
“Thank God I’ve remembered enough to know I’m not married,” I say. “If Kayden and I had that over our heads, I’m not sure where we’d be. But there’s the potential that something in my past could change us.” I shake my head. “We can’t live like this. He can’t have unknowns.”
Nathan leans closer, elbows on his knees. “Let me be as clear as possible. Do I think you will wake up and be a different person? No. Do I think you will stop caring about Kayden? No. Do I think the past could influence how either of you feel for each other? Maybe. And do I have one ounce of scientific evidence to justify those answers? Yes. But not much more.”
“And that’s not enough for Kayden.”
“He says it is.”
“And we both know it’s not, Nathan,” I insist, but I stick to the less-is-more idea, and leave it at that. “We both know that he deserves more than that. Make me remember.”
“I can’t make you remember.”
“What about drugs or hypnosis?”
“No to drugs, and I don’t recommend hypnosis for one simple reason: risk versus reward. It’s not documented as highly effective, and we’d have to step outside The Underground. Writing in your journal is the best way to bring back your memories.” His phone buzzes and he pulls it from his pants pocket and glances at it. “I need to go,” he says, his gaze catching on the TV remote. “This part of the castle has American news. Have you tried watching it?”
“No. I had no idea we got American news here.”
“I think I remember Kayden saying it’s only in this tower. Some kind of technical issue, so try it. It might be better than hypnosis.” He starts to walk away.
“Wait. Nathan.” He turns and arches a brow. “This room isn’t where Kayden and Elizabeth lived, right?”
“No. He left that part of the tower sealed, even after he opened this part. There’s a lot he keeps sealed, Ella. He’s his own best enemy. Not you.”
“Is that what you told him when he asked you about me?”
“Yes.”
The answer is too simple. “But he wanted more, just like me.”
“Of course he wanted more, and I had to tell him exactly what I’ll say to you. You’re suppressing something, and no matter how much you say you want to remember it, you don’t. Your mind is protecting you from what it thinks you can’t handle. You’ll remember it when you’re ready.”
He leaves, having confirmed that he’s all but told Kayden that I’m the potential time bomb I’ve feared.
eight
I stare after Nathan, watching him disappear around the corner, and I decide he’s done me a favor by removing any answer to my questions but me. I have to solve this. I have to remember and stop hiding from my past, and just deal with it. That means exposing myself to triggers in every way I can.
Doing what I can right here and now, I pick up the remote and begin flipping through channels, and sure enough, I find two American news stations: CNN and Fox. Memories don’t stir in my mind, but the familiarity is a welcome sensation and I keep the TV on. Obama is president. Biden is vice president. I know these things easily, but I have no clue how government works in Italy—which shores