made and the seasons turn doesn’t guarantee I’ll be able to do anything with the information, but—”
His hands clasp around my shoulders. Eldas wears a bright smile. But his eyes are heartbreakingly sad.
“This is excellent. If anyone can figure it out, it’s you. I’ve said it all along and now you have what you needed.”
“I know, but…”
“But?” He falters.
Don’t be happy about this, I want to say. I don’t want him to even pretend to be happy about me leaving. The fact that he would be swells my heart to the point of pain. The smile on his face mocks me and I find myself doubting the traces of hurt in his eyes; are they real, or am I just imagining them to be because I want them to be?
“Eldas, what do you feel for me?” I dare to ask, small and afraid.
“What?” His hands fall from my shoulders. Perhaps that’s answer enough.
“What do you feel for me?” I ask again, louder and more certain.
“When you say—”
“Do you love me?”
He looks as if my words materialized and struck him between the ribs. Eldas’s mouth opens and closes several times. Perhaps he had run the numbers in our equation and arrived at the same result as I—that it was better not to think about what these feelings truly were. It was better not to ask or know, for both of us.
As he stares at me now, deathly silent, I want the thick night air to envelop me. I want it to take me away and carry me through the Fade here and now. I can’t handle waiting for his answer.
If he says he doesn’t love me, then my heart will be crushed. If he says he does, then my heart will still be crushed if—when—I inevitably leave. And, if I don’t leave…I will wonder if his feelings, like mine, could’ve been somehow manipulated by magic or circumstance. If they were ever real at all, or a twisted survival of the heart. I will question everything forever and that alone would be our undoing.
“Don’t answer that.” I shake my head. “It’s better if you—”
“Luella, I—”
Neither of us get to finish. Drestin comes sprinting in. He’s panting as if he’s been running for some time. His eyes sweep over me and land on Eldas.
“It’s Harrow,” he pants out. “There’s been an attack.”
Chapter 33
“An attack?” Eldas repeats, looking somewhat dazed. I have whiplash as well from the sudden shift in conversation.
“Before we sat to eat, I sent out riders. I was worried. They met with mother in her coach just outside of Westwatch. But Harrow wasn’t with her. She said he’d wanted to stop in Carron before coming here and she couldn’t say no—of course not, not to her darling Harrow. So she let him go. His horse and guard were found gutted just outside of Carron. There’s no sign of Harrow.”
“Carron, why was he—”
“Aria,” I stop Eldas. “He went to see Aria perform. She mentioned to me that she was performing in Carron with the Troupe of Masks as the start of performances leading up to the Coronation.” I look between the two men. “How far is Carron?”
“It’s up the wall, an hour from Westwatch,” Drestin answers.
“Let’s go.”
“You should stay here,” Eldas says firmly.
“I’m coming,” I insist with such force that I can almost hear it echoing in their thick skulls. “You two will need me.”
Drestin glances between Eldas and me, eyebrows arched with a somewhat surprised look. Rinni might be familiar with Eldas’s and my comfortable rapport. But it seems Drestin is not yet. “Your Majesty—”
I ignore his surprise and wave off his objection. “Is there a gate to the fae lands in Carron?”
“No,” Eldas answers.
“No way to cross the wall?” I press.
“No,” Eldas repeats.
“Well…” his brother starts, earning an arched brow from Eldas. “There were reports of places where the wall has been weakened. Farmers talking, spreading rumors of fae getting through. But I’ve yet to confirm…”
My mind is moving as fast as my frantic hands. While the men speak, I finish off the potion I was making and jar it, placing it in a leather satchel I steal off of a peg by the doors out to the gardens. I leave them for a moment to search the gardens for anything fresh I might need for magic or emergency healing.
Unfortunately, I can’t find any heartroot. It seems Willow’s early mention of the plant being incredibly rare holds true.
“Luella, stay—” Eldas tries to say as I reenter the laboratory.