now. Time twisted as I passed through the Fade. It must pass faster in Midscape because the memories of my worn counters and rough-hewn bowls are leaving my fingers. It seems as though I’ve been in Midscape all along.
The fading of those connections terrifies me. I have to go back. I can’t know who I really am or what I’m feeling until I do.
“I see.” She’s clearly confused, but accepts the remark in stride and doesn’t probe further.
“In any case… If it doesn’t bother you to have me working alone in your healers’ laboratory, I don’t mind doing so. You look tired and need rest.”
“This child hasn’t even come into the world and he’s already sapping my energy and patience.” Her body emphasizes the point with a yawn.
“Go and rest; I’ll have it ready by breakfast.”
“Thank you again, Luella.” She goes to leave but pauses just before. “I didn’t know what to expect of the Human Queen. I admit…I was a bit nervous. But I’m glad that it is you.”
I can think of no response before Carcina excuses herself for the night.
As I work, I try and place the wrenching, restless feeling that’s propelling my hands with frantic purpose. Guilt, I finally realize. I feel guilty. But for what?
For leaving.
I frown at the liquid bubbling in a small cauldron. I have nothing to be guilty over. I’m doing the right thing for both our worlds and for us. I could never stay with Eldas and be happy, not truly, unless I know I’m staying of my own volition.
“Is it more effective when you make that face at it?” Eldas’s voice cuts through my thoughts. My body jerks, startled, and I face him. He’s lounging against a table, arms folded, looking delightfully smug.
“How long have you been there?”
“Long enough to see you work.”
I must’ve been truly lost in my thoughts to not notice Eldas come in.
“And what a sight it is.”
“What?” I say the word on an exhale, already trying to fish out all the complex emotions he’s somehow fit into the small pools of blue that are his eyes. There’s admiration, a note of sorrow, longing, resignation? More I can’t name.
“You were born to do this,” he says.
“You’ve seen me work before.” I run my finger along the top of a jar before putting it away.
“I have, but I never truly watched. I never paid attention.” The sorrow I saw in him is given sound. “Luella…if we are unable to break the cycle before the coronation…I would do whatever I could, even then, to help you manage the throne. Whatever you needed, I would give you. Perhaps we could even find a way for you to work as a healer in Quinnar too. Maybe, even though you would be a part of Midscape, we could even explore options for you to visit Capton more than just midsummer.”
My stomach twists and when I speak I can’t look at him. I know he’s trying to help. But this conversation dredges up the tangled mass of emotions that I can’t completely pick through when it comes to thinking of my life before, my life now, and whatever awaits me in the future.
“Wouldn’t that be unconventional for a queen?”
“Yes, but convention is always new at one point. I’ve read the journals too. Others have longed for something similar—for a purpose beyond the redwood throne. Helping the healers wasn’t enough. It’s too late for them, but for you, for future queens…” He runs a hand through his hair and looks away. I watch him from the corner of my eye. “If there are future queens, that is.”
“Speaking of all that.” I turn and lean against the counter. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“Yes?” Eldas is clearly startled by my sudden shift in mood.
“The journal I’ve been reading…I figured out today whose it was.”
“Whose?”
“Queen Lilian.”
“Lilian,” he whispers. He’s no doubt heard the name from stories he was told all his life. “The first queen. Then—”
I nod, knowing what he’ll say next. “I think I know how the seasons, the redwood throne, and the queen’s magic are tied together. I think I understand what the first queen and king did and how it all works.” I’ve figured out a great mystery. I should be happier. And yet I watch with dread as Eldas rises to his feet. We’re standing on an edge from which there’s no going back. “I need to read more, and research, of course. And just because I understand how the Fade was