it me? I had Netflix on while I was working,” she says, flicking her fingers open beside her head. “I didn’t realize you were still here.”
Netflix? What I heard wasn’t a movie. It wasn’t.
“I heard it in my office,” I say, aware I sound utterly unlike myself.
“I did have it fairly loud. I’m sorry.”
She’s wearing a touch of embarrassment, a pinch of amusement. I curl my fingers until my nails dig into my skin.
“It’s fine,” I say. “I feel incredibly foolish. I thought … well, I don’t know what I thought, but I was afraid since I was alone …” It’s my turn to lift a hand.
Although my pulse is no longer racing, when I exit the building I run for my car and lock the doors as soon as I’m inside. I sag back against the seat. Squeeze my lids closed. The voice wasn’t from Christina’s movie. It wasn’t from anywhere.
Red Lady, Red Lady.
No. She isn’t real. She wasn’t ever real.
* * *
“Today, Dr. Cole,” Ryan says, placing a cup of coffee on my nightstand, “You are mine. All day.”
“But I …”
“What?”
I don’t want to go anywhere, except perhaps to the hotel where Lauren works, but I can’t say that aloud.
“Babe?” he says.
“No buts,” I say with as much enthusiasm as I can. “It sounds wonderful.”
“Good, because I wasn’t taking no for an answer. So drink your coffee, get a shower, and get dressed. It’s going to be nice today; not too cold, not too hot.”
My smile fades from view as soon as he does. No way I’m getting out of this. How can I pretend everything’s okay? How can I pretend I’m okay? But I empty my mug. Take a shower. Get dressed.
He drives my Jeep to Grump’s Cafe for breakfast, a quirky place with silly signs on the walls and paint streaks on the floor. Not too crowded, either, which is surprising for a Saturday. Afterward, he gets on 50 West, and it takes a while before I figure out where we’re going.
The Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum’s someplace we’ve talked about visiting for ages, and we spend hours looking at the old airplanes, the space shuttle Discovery. We eat burgers and fries at the McDonald’s on site. Buy refrigerator magnets and freeze-dried ice cream from the gift shop. I’m even able to relax a little. I’m safe here with Ryan, with the crowds of people all around. Surely I’m allowed that, aren’t I?
On the way home, we get caught in traffic. I kick off my shoes, put my seat back. “Before I forget, we were invited to a party next Saturday. You don’t know her, but Gia and I grew up together. I ran into her at the bookstore, and she and her husband recently moved to Annapolis.”
“Sounds good.”
“So,” I say. “What prompted today?”
“I do notice things, you know. You’re having bad dreams, getting up in the middle of the night, you’re distracted all the time, and”—he reaches across the center console for my hand—“this.”
I curl my fingers, attempting to hide my ragged cuticles.
“Even without the rest, I’d know something was wrong. You only do this when you’re upset or stressed.”
His words are gentle, but I can’t help the heat coiling in my gut. He’s just being a good husband, but I pull away nonetheless.
“I have a patient who reminds me of a girl I knew when I was a kid. It’s stirring up old memories, that’s all.”
“And?”
And nothing, I think, even shaking my head a little, but my mouth has other plans, with too many words to hold in. “I knew her when we were little. Her mom was an alcoholic, and she was abusive.” The weight of what I said—that I said anything at all—sits like a stone upon my soul. I trace a circle on the armrest. Cross my legs. Uncross them and pull one foot up on the seat. “Anyway, it’s not …”
“So what happened?” His fingertips piano the steering wheel.
“What do you mean?” I say, the weight now a boulder.
“With her mother?”
“It’s not important,” I say, dropping my foot, pulling up the other.
“Well, did she get help? Your friend’s mom or—”
“Can we talk about something else, please?” I say, my words clipped at the ends.
There’s a pause, and then he says, “Okay, sure.”
“Thank you,” I say, staring straight ahead. The car feels too small. Part of me wants to open my door and disappear into the ocean of brake lights, swim into all that red. Drown in it. The other