be released from custody on Friday the twenty-eighth.”
“Already?” I heard my own voice as though it was coming from a long, long way away.
“I’m afraid so. He’s given a release address in Lancaster, so I don’t think you need to worry about bumping into him on the street, or anything like that. One of my counterparts in Lancaster gave us a call with his details so that we can inform you.”
“Does—does he know where I am?”
“Not unless you’ve told him. And we certainly won’t. I’m sure he won’t travel far, Cathy, there’s no need to worry. If you’re concerned, just give us a call. You can phone this number, or the other number I left, any time, if you’re worried about anything. All right?”
“Thank you,” I managed to say, and disconnected.
I sat and waited for it. I felt it coming toward me like a wave, the panic. I think I was still waiting when I heard the noise, the wail, high-pitched and terrible, and wondered for a second where it was coming from until I ran out of breath and realized it was me. I shrank back into the sofa, trying to make myself as small as possible. Trying to disappear.
It was all a bit blurred for a moment. I saw Stuart sitting down next to me, but the whole room was shaking as though there was some sort of earthquake going on. I felt him put his arms around me, heard him saying something—breathe? But I couldn’t tell the details—I pushed him away seconds before I started retching, and he grabbed the wastepaper basket and held it up just as I vomited.
And then just the sound of my own breathing, or not even that—just little pants for breath in time with the shuddering, the shaking that was completely beyond my control. And my fingers were tingling, but it was too late, and the ground was coming up to meet me.
Wednesday 7 January 2004
Lee barely spoke to me all the way home.
He’d stopped and bought a bag of french fries from the takeaway in Prospect Street. They were sitting unopened on my dining table, the smell of them making my mouth water, despite the fact that I’d entirely lost my appetite. We were on my sofa, in the dark. He’d sat down and pulled me onto his lap. I was rigid and frowning like a petulant child. I couldn’t even remember what exactly it was I was so angry about anymore.
“We need to talk about this,” he said gently. He had his arms around me, his face into my neck.
“We should have talked about it a long time ago.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for all that crap tonight.”
“Who was he? The man with the bag?”
“He’s one of our targets. I’ve been following him for weeks. I had no idea he was using that pub as a meeting venue, obviously, otherwise I’d never have taken you there.”
“So you’re a police officer?”
He nodded.
“Why couldn’t you just have told me that before?”
There was a pause. Despite myself I was starting to soften. He was playing with my hand, threading his fingers through mine, bringing my hand up to his mouth so he could kiss the tips of my fingers. “I wasn’t expecting this to happen,” he said. “I don’t do this. I don’t fall for women. I don’t spend long enough with anyone to have to tell them anything. It’s not an easy job to talk about, you know. I’m working undercover a lot of the time. It’s easier to do that sort of thing on your own.”
“It looks dangerous,” I said.
“It probably looked worse than it was. I’m used to it.”
“That’s what you were doing that first night, the night you came here covered in blood? I thought you’d been in a fight.”
“Yes. That one wasn’t quite so straightforward. But that sort of thing doesn’t happen often. Most of the time I’m just sitting in a car waiting for something to happen, or having briefings in some stuffy room with no windows, or catching up on three hundred e-mails.” He moved then, reaching behind his back. “I’m sitting on some kind of brick here—what is this thing?”
It was my organizer. I’d thrown it on the sofa with my bag when we’d come in.
I disentangled myself and got up. “I’ll get the fries,” I said. “Do you want anything with them? Or a drink?”
“No,” I heard him say.
I put the kettle on. If there was something I needed right now it