pulling my head back so that I could read his eyes, maybe this was some sick joke he and Dana had concocted to make me lower my defenses, but he wouldn’t let me move.
Instead, he cupped the back of my head, pulling me into his chest, even more, the way he used to whenever I was upset in the past. To say I was confused is an understatement. Still, since he didn’t seem in any hurry to push me away and wasn’t saying anything that would answer any of the million questions running around in my head, I opted to enjoy the feeling of being locked in his arms like this for the first time in more than two years.
I tentatively lifted my arms to wrap them around him, and when he did nothing more than sigh appreciatively, I let myself relax a little bit more. There were no words spoken as we stood there for what felt like hours until he finally spoke. “Let’s go get our son.” He released me only to take my hand and walk into the house. I followed him wordlessly through the nursery and down the stairs, where we found his mother in the kitchen feeding the baby a snack.
She looked up when the two of us walked in, and her reaction, the way she nodded her head and smiled when she noticed our clasped hands-only left me with even more questions. It was as if she knew something that I didn’t, and when she walked over and kissed my cheek with a cryptic, ‘I’ll call you later about the planning,’ before saying her goodbyes, I was left even more at a loss.
I looked up to gauge Calen’s reaction to see if maybe he knew what she was talking about, only to find him staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face. His, ‘it’s okay, nothing to worry about’ left me feeling like I’d fallen down the rabbit hole.
Calen
After mom left, I spent the next few hours with my family. It was the first time there was no doubt or anger between her and I since she came back with my son, and it felt strange. I could tell she was a little nervous, probably waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering what the hell was going on since I’d so drastically changed my attitude towards her.
I didn’t give her so much as a hint, so she had no idea that I knew what was going on or that I was already piecing together her reasons for leaving me and was plotting my next move even as we played with our son on the playroom floor. There was a lot I wanted to say to her to put her mind at rest, but it still felt too soon.
Her fear of her mother had caused her to give up everything and go into hiding before I have to make sure we don’t have a repeat of that shit this time around. That’s the one thing I’m still a bit salty about, truth be told, but I’ll deal with her later for not coming to me when she should’ve. For now, I just want to enjoy being with the two of them.
“I can see you have a million questions in your eyes each time you look at me; I’ll answer them all later. Let’s just enjoy our time with our son.” I reached for her hand and pulled her to my side, wrapping my arms around her stiff body before she relaxed and rested back against my chest so the two of us could watch our child bang away at the toy drums.
I guess it’s going to take her a minute to stop tensing up around me and expecting me to lash out, and I have no one to blame for that but myself. Still, as much guilt as I feel for the things I’d said and the way I’ve treated her, I refuse to carry all the blame for this shit show. The fact still remains that my wife had walked out on me without explanation.
She’d had my son and kept him from me. I’m willing to give her some leeway for thinking that she had no other choice but to do what she’d done. I have no experience with a crazy-ass mother who was capable of the things hers is, but I’m not willing to pretend that there was no basis for my anger.