I clasped my hands behind my back and nodded. “Yes, indeed.”
“Lillian has made up some pretty red bows as well. We’re so very thrilled you and Izzy will be here. Last Christmas felt so rushed and dramatic for everyone. This year we can relax and enjoy our time together. One, big happy family, as it should be.”
I nodded, going through the motions like an automaton. How I wanted to belong, to feel normal. But I felt ill at ease, uncomfortable in my new skin. I felt like a fraud, just waiting for the world to uncover the truth. Izzy, my dear child, thrived here with her cousins, who spoiled her. She was content. So very happy. Why couldn’t I be happy? Why did I feel so out of place? And why did I still think and dream about Gabe?
Two footmen swept into the room, branches of fir trees in hand. At times I’d had to stop myself from hiding away down in the servant’s quarters, believing it was more appropriate for me there than upstairs with my privileged family.
“How will we keep them?” Jules muttered, watching as the footmen placed the boughs upon the mantel. “They’ll dry out quickly.”
I laughed. “In the first home where I worked as a maid, they replaced their fir boughs every few days to make sure they were always fresh. It seemed so utterly wasteful to me, but when you have money, I suppose you can afford to be wasteful.”
The room grew quiet.
My amusement fell.
I didn’t miss the sidelong glances of the footmen, nor Julianna’s look of pain. Blast it all, I didn’t want to be pitied or stared at like a circus oddity. Yes, I’d been a maid. Yes, I’d had to endure the callousness that came with a life of servitude and poverty. I wished they’d all accept it and get on with it already.
Jules slid her arm through mine, gently forcing me to stroll toward the windows. I didn’t dare refuse. “My dear, you’ve been with us over a year now.”
I watched her warily. “Yes.”
“Well, James and the rest think that perhaps it’s time to socialize.”
I frowned. “Socialize?”
“I know.” She sighed. “It sounds hideous. However, it would be nice for you to get out of this house, to experience more than these moors, and the occasional trip to town. I thought this landscape quite terrifying, you know, when I first arrived. You should see London in a way that you haven’t before. The way you deserve.”
Oh, but I had seen the ballrooms of London; that night after Gabe and I had been intimate for the first time. It seemed a lifetime ago, but one thing remained clear, I had found little to recommend the experience. Balls were not good fun, as they wished us to believe, but in reality they were dances of survival. Men and women who pranced around a pit of vipers, trying not to be bit. “They’ll judge me.”
“Of course they’ll judge you.” Lillian swept into the room, her brilliant red hair catching the firelight and shimmering. She, William, and their children had moved in months ago. “But that just means you’ll fit right in.” She wrapped her arm around my waist so I was pinned between them both.
The warmth of their bodies, the sweetness of their scents, whispered in the air, comforting and motherly. They certainly liked affection in this family, and I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about being constantly hugged and kissed upon the cheek.
“Have you not heard the interesting stories about us? Why Jules stole her sister’s fiancé and married him.”
I glanced at Julianna.
She merely grinned as if she found the fact incredibly amusing, but didn’t deny it. I realized in that moment that they’d been so consumed with me this last year, that I really knew very little about them.
“And I, well, according to the gossips, I had William kill off my first husband…who happened to be William’s cousin.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, they were so incredibly blasé about the spectacles they’d created. They truly didn’t care what other people thought. How incredibly freeing. “I must have missed that in The Times.”
“Darling,” Lillian said in her American accent that made her stand out from the rest of us. That, and her red hair. “We are a family of scandals. We thrive on other people’s outrage. It’s really quite fun when you accept it.”
“Come,” Jules took my hands in hers. “Do at least say you’ll let us have a Christmas