I need this pain, I need to be broken so I can heal again.
His forehead presses to mine. “I can’t help myself, never could when you were involved,” he whispers raggedly. I feel his tears dripping onto my cheeks then, each one like a fracture of my heart. We are just two broken, hurting people right now. But this isn’t right, and if this is how we carry on, this will never be love. It will be need. “Come back to me, Angel. Come back to me, Lexi… I miss you so fucking much. I need you. I need you to sleep, to live. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did. I thought I was saving you from me, but instead, I was just damning us both.”
Maybe if he had said anything other than ‘need,’ I might have said yes. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t. I can’t do this.
Maybe when we’re ready, we will meet again.
We were just two souls that were once so interconnected that it was hard to tell the difference, but now we are strangers. Isn’t it sad how quickly that happens? How you can go from talking to someone every day to never again? From knowing every inch of their life, celebrating their successes, and wallowing in their failures with them…to nothing?
Just two passing people on the streets, who will one day only nod in greeting.
“I can’t be your angel, Tyler. Not when I’m anchored to the ground with so much pain. You hurt so much because you’re mourning for our love too, what could have been our future. You hurt me, I hurt you. We are both broken and in pain, but I can’t be who you need me to be right now. I just can’t. I will always love you, always be here for you, but we both need to heal. We can’t do that together. We just can’t. This isn’t love, this is blinding agony that we’re trying to drown in need and desire, and we both deserve more.”
“Angel,” he breathes. There is so much pain in his voice that I have to step back before I fall to my knees and beg for his forgiveness.
I might be his angel, but in this moment, he’s my devil. He made me fall from grace and worship at his feet, he made me fall into darkness and pain, but also such desire and love that it still burns across my skin.
I would have done anything to stay, to protect him and love him…but I can’t now. I owe myself more, even though it hurts to walk away, even though it makes me feel guilty for leaving him when he needs me. I have to focus on my own agony and healing. I can’t be what he needs me to be, I have to put myself first.
I have to love myself before anyone else can, otherwise the bar is set very low. How can I know what I deserve if I don’t even appreciate who and what I am? They could put very little effort in, and it would make me happy because I wouldn’t think I deserved more. Loving yourself always has to come first, and maybe that’s why I’ve had so many failed relationships. Maybe that’s why Justin was able to hurt me so much, and why I accepted so much in that relationship.
Because I didn’t think I deserved better.
There could be nothing further from the truth. I know I deserve better, deserve the love Tyler offered me. But how can I accept that and give the same amount of love back when I’m not loving myself? When I still believe I’m that girl who deserves to be cheated on and unhappy, because it’s easier than admitting I couldn’t look in the mirror and love myself.
But I do now.
I’ve been through so much in this life. I have been hurt, betrayed, and broken. I have loved and laughed so much, it hurts. My body can hold life, it can do incredible things. No matter the scars or tape that holds it together, I need to love every single inch, inside and out, and accept myself fully before anyone else ever can.
We accept the love we believe we deserve. I never truly accepted Tyler’s love, because I always thought I didn’t deserve it, as if the other shoe would drop at any moment, and now that it has, I realise just how truly confused I am inside. I’m young,