I care about could possibly not be enough. I could revert to my nightmares having hold of me.
“Let go,” he hums against my clit.
I do, exploding on his tongue as my orgasm pours out of my throat, and I call out his name.
I collapse against the couch, my head falling back as I catch my breath.
“My turn,” I say, eyeing his crotch.
He stands and exhales, as if blowing out smoke. “I’m going to bed.”
“What?” I snap up. He just gave me one hell of an orgasm, but it didn’t do anything to quench my thirst for him.
He grins. “You’re welcome to join me in bed.”
I sigh and lean back, refusing to give in. No matter how much my body wants it, I can’t give in.
“What’s the problem? We’ve fucked in a bed before.”
His eyes search mine.
“I’m afraid,” I whisper.
“Me too, but I already promised not to love you. Isn’t that enough?”
“No.”
“Whether I fuck you in a bed, or against the wall, on the floor, in an alleyway, a car, the moon, it makes no difference.”
“Then why do we have to fuck in a bed tonight?”
“Even though you’ll never love me, you need to trust me. Trust that I won’t ever let the fear win. The pain you’re afraid of will never come as long as you’re with me.”
Truth—his words are the truth. At least as far as he knows.
I stand up until we are once again face to face.
“Okay.”
With that, he takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom. He lays me back on the bed before hovering over me and kissing me so sweetly on my lips that it burns, already bringing on the pain. And he hasn’t even fucked me yet.
“I’ve got you, huntress. I know you better than anyone. I’ve failed you more than anyone, but I’ve also protected you more than anyone.” He kisses his way down my body, stopping to suck one of my puckered nipples before making his way down my stomach and over my C-section scar. He licks its length, before pulling my panties off my body.
He pushes his boxers off before reaching for a condom and gliding it on. We’ve fucked without a condom before, but I’m thankful he has one now. I’ve already failed as a mother; there is no reason to make me one again.
He carefully parts my legs as he settles himself between my legs until I can feel his hardness against the heat of my pussy.
“Trust me,” he whispers.
I nod.
And then he sinks inside me in one pulverizing thrust, the kind that has my head spinning with everything I’ve been missing, suddenly filling me and making me whole. I’m never going to be complete without him again.
“How have I gone so many years without you?” he growls, as always matching my thoughts.
“Miserably,” I say.
He chuckles before his eyes return to his normal dark orbs. He lowers his mouth once again to kiss me.
I accept, and then he’s rocking into my body. Taking his time. Protecting me from my demons. Caring about me when he shouldn’t.
All the time he thrusts, one word hovers between us but is never spoken. Neither of us can deny it’s there.
“Killer,” I cry out as literal tears fill my eyes. God, I’m going to cry when I come. I don’t care.
“Huntress,” he returns my cry.
And then we fall over the devastating cliff together. One that will ruin us and leave us even more broken than before.
Tears roll down my cheeks as Langston holds me to his body, us both breathing frantically as we hold onto each other with enduring need. Like another force is already at work trying to pull us apart.
“You’re mine,” he whispers into my hair.
I nod.
His words are the truth.
I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!
Those words are a lie. I don’t hate him.
I love him.
But I will never say the words out loud. I’ll never allow myself to even think them again. The words are toxic and lead to nothing but pain.
I pull his arms tighter around my body, knowing that we are going to spend the rest of the night fucking—no, making love. Although, neither of us will use that word to describe this.
I can love him forever, but Langston can never know. I may be the devil, but the pain my loving him would cause is something I could never inflict on him. So I’ll keep lying until our marriage eventually dissolves—that’s the only way to not hurt him.
18
Langston
I leave Liesel snoring in