Ridiculing me.
“I’m a shell of a person right now, because of you!”
Did he say that to me? Why was he in so much pain? Did I do that too?
Yes, you did! You destroy everything you touch and everyone who so much as gets close to you.
“Please stop. Please,” I beg over and over again, but the harsh voice only grows louder.
I have to get out of here. I start crawling faster, tripping in the dark, smashing my shoulder into something but I bite down on the pain and keep crawling, the need to escape so intense, it’s literally swallowing me whole at this point. I need to answer it right now.
I’m the evil.
I’m the problem here.
I hurt people.
“Your heart is already corroded, empty, rotten.”
He was right. I’m rotten.
I’m not wanted.
I need to go.
I crawl faster but I slam into something. An object comes crushing down right beside me. Suddenly, the floor is wet. Something that looks a lot like the white roses I saw, are now scattered, mixed with the wetness.
I move to crawl again, but I feel a sharp sensation, then… a bit of release.
I freeze.
The release was so sweet, so sudden, it eased the pressure in my chest. I want more of that. There’s peace in that.
I look down and the wetness is now thick, which only means one thing. The blood is back.
Make it stop. Oh God, please make it stop! It’s just too much blood.
Just give in.
I grab the bigger sharp pieces in the water. It has a sharp edge and with that, I start applying pressure until I feel peace.
Over and over, the tightness in my chest starts loosening, the pressure fading away like a sweet release that chases away the nightmares that I don’t understand and those that feed my guilt.
Yes.
“Surrender, baby girl. No one wants you here.”
Yes, Mom. But wait, who is my mom?
Darkness skirts at the edges of my vision. Suddenly, nothing matters anymore. Everything is pointless, foamless, unimportant.
Is peace dark? I don’t care, this is good enough.
At least there’s nothing here. Not even a pair of smoldering, intense green eyes that melt my insides.
2
The night Nancy died
“Mia, where the fuck are you?”
Second voice message from the number…
“This is my second fucking message, Mia. Pick up your damn phone.”
Third voice message from the number…
“Mia, I swear to God, if you don’t get back here to me…”
Fourth voice message from the number…
“Damn you and your stubbornness, Mia, this isn’t the time to play childish games that you won’t win. Stop this right now and get back here to me. We need to fucking talk.”
Each message is angrier than the last, making shivers race down my spine as I listen to his low, angry voice, but still, I press the damn thing to my ear, pretending like he’s physically close to me. I listen to the fifth message with my heart in my throat.
“I’m losing my fucking mind. If you’re going to be a bitch and a coward at the same time, at least find those steel balls of yours and tell me to my fucking face!”
I don’t know if it’s the sound of his voice with the familiar dark notes that express his hate for me, or if it’s the threats themselves, but whatever it is, it makes the blood in my veins rush hot, my heart starts beating furiously as if it wants out of my damn chest.
Since the day I met him in that damn hospital hallway, Julian has always had the ability to make my heart ache with shitty emotions that I never asked for.
And my God, I never asked for any of this.
I never asked to want him with a burning urgency like this, it feels like I’ll go up in flames if he doesn’t look at me, let alone kiss me.
I never asked to be caught in this intricate, shitty web of lies and deceit like I am now, I can’t tell what’s real or what’s a nightmare anymore. It all bleeds the same hot, gushing blood that covers my hands, my body, my soul…
“God,” I gasp, as a tremor moves through me. Is all this heartache and pain because of me? Did I cause my family this much chaos just by opening my mouth when I was barely old enough to understand that every word, every kiss has devastating consequences?
I mean, it has to be my fault.
I let reality slip through my fingers, gave in to lust and longing and refused to see that Julian… wasn’t the