taste of shame. Repressed moments from prison flooded him. Never the images, but the feeling of what some of them did to him, and what he had to do in return later.
“Would you rather someone else?” she asked, uncertain now. “Am I not what you want?”
He kept his gaze firmly locked away from her. “It isn’t that.”
“What is it then?”
Charlotte’s face flashed before his eyes. Her body in his arms, his mouth grazing over hers. Technically, she wasn’t his, and he could do as he pleased, but…he didn’t feel that desire. Not at all. Because he was still hers.
“I got someone,” he finally said.
She paused in response. “A girl?” She sounded surprised. “Waiting for you this whole time?”
When he didn’t answer, she sat up and quickly scrambled to her clothes. He could feel her humiliation, and he knew he should feel bad for it.
“It isn’t you,” he told her, finally looking at her as she dressed.
She shot him a fake smile. “Oh, I know. I get it.”
“You think I’m lying.”
“No, no. I think…I think it’s sweet you got someone.”
She stood up and wrung her hands together. She eyed the door, but then looked back at him like she was hoping he’d ask her to stay. As she studied him, her eyes fell to his neck and stayed there a while.
“Is that her?” she then asked, curious.
He stiffened a nod, saying nothing.
“I guess it must mean something if she’s inked on you,” she mumbled.
Yeah, it meant everything. Because he put her name in a place he would have been hanging from during his lowest moment. But that was too heavy to admit, even to himself.
“It’s just such a shame,” she whispered, chuckling dryly as she looked him over again. “You’re real nice on the eyes, Thames. Whoever she is, well, she’s lucky.”
Without waiting for a response, she left in a hurry; no doubt eager to nurse her humiliation out of sight. He stared at the door once she left, buried in thought.
She called Charlotte lucky. He scoffed, shaking his head once as he absorbed that. Lucky for what? If he had never met Charlotte, she would have fled to the city after she had graduated. She would have started her own life away from Billy, away from Blackwater. Thames would have circled the drain without taking her down with him.
He had so many regrets. Time had given him just that. Time. Time to recall every moment with the perspective of an outsider.
He hadn’t been worthy of her. He had been nothing but a fucking bully with a short fuse and fists that were powerful enough to fight the battles he took too personally.
“Charlotte,” he whispered to himself, tasting her name. He hadn’t heard her name out loud for a very long time. There was nowhere he could say it before without feeling heard.
Tormented, he nodded to himself, understanding what he needed to do.
He had to see her.
He needed closure.
He needed…
God, he just needed to see her.
Knowing he couldn’t hide out here for long, he dressed and left the room. He didn’t go far before he spotted Holden. He came bounding to Thames with a troubled look on his face.
“Man, I am so fucking sorry,” he apologized, an ache in his voice present. He got too close-up to Thames than he would have liked and grabbed at his shoulder, digging his fingertips into him. “I had no fucking clue you had a woman. I would never have done that, man. Why didn’t you say anything? All those years…”
Thames stared down at Holden, and for a second, a familiar flash of anger tore through him. How could this fucking worm, who was shorter than him and practically half his size, have intimidated him so much once upon a time?
With a cool expression, Thames shrugged his hand off him. “Because it didn’t matter. Did it, Holden?”
He levelled Holden with a hard look. Holden went mute, understanding what Thames was referring to. When Thames had made enemies that first year, Holden hadn’t come to the rescue, even after he’d been brought into the crew.
“You walk around like you’re a fucking human and people give a shit about it. Who you are, it don’t matter in here,” Holden growled, looking him over like he was still a new fish. Blood flooded out of Thames’ neck; the two-inch make-shift blade was still freshly lodged in there. “Now tear that fucking knife outta your neck before I finish what the other fuck started.”