to me. His hand grabbed mine and he took me to the living room. He sat me down on the couch but didn’t sit next to me. Instead, he knelt in front of me, his face at my level, his concerned eyes looking deeply at me.
“I was worried Locke was making you do shit,” he spoke, calmly. “I know rumours mean nothing. I know that, but after you hear them so many times, they just seed themselves in your brain and they fester. I kept thinking you were with Locke intimately, and that got me thinking you weren’t going to wait for Conor…which got me thinking, I should have been more open to you about the way you make me feel.”
My eyes widened in surprise. Oh, no. “Jem –”
“Not like that,” he quickly amended as he pressed a finger to my mouth, silencing me. “You make me feel alive.” He smiled warmly. “I remembered how I used to be as a partner, a family man. And Penny reminded me of Addison, and it made me think of how fortunate I was to have had her however brief it was. Because we come and go, don’t we? We’re so temporary. The world blinks and we’re gone and we don’t matter anymore. Except…well, here, in the now, it’s important to matter to someone. It’s important to feel like you’re not just existing. You go to bed feeling like you got something to look forward to. You got someone, out there, caring for you. I want to believe that there’s someone out there for me now.”
My heart burst at his words. “There’s someone out there, Jem,” I told him quietly. “I believe it.”
Now his smile turned sad. “I want to feel like I’m deserving of that.”
“Everyone deserves love.”
He looked weighed down all of a sudden. His eyes misted over. “I’m not so sure, Charlotte. I keep waiting for my own penance.”
My brows came together. “Penance for what?”
“For all that I’ve done wrong. The guilt I carry isn’t enough. I deserve punishment.”
I shook my head slowly, but no words came out. I watched him as he looked away, momentarily shrouded in his thoughts.
“All of us used to be so close,” he suddenly said, his voice ragged. “Conor, Max…Dominic. The four of us were like brothers against the world. Each of us with our own demons. Each of us battling the hurt.” His lips twisted down. “Then, one day, we scattered. I won’t pretend not to know why.”
I wanted to ask him why.
But the look of sheer pain in his expression halted me entirely.
I’d caught this look in Conor. When he talked about Jem or Locke or even Dominic, he would sometimes go quiet. His mind would stray in what I suspected was the very same place Jem’s mind strayed to.
Something happened to these boys.
A pain they shared, perhaps.
Returning his focus to me, Jem offered me a warm smile. “I’d give anything for you to call me up one day and tell me you need me for whatever reason. I’d be there for you. You know that, don’t you?”
I nodded. “Yes, you’ve proven that.”
“I care, Charlotte, more than I’m willing to admit.”
“I care, too.”
“Conor’s my brother. I want to protect what’s his because he’d do it for me in a heartbeat.”
“Thank you, Jem.” I meant it from the bottom of my heart.
He sat down next to me and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me to his side. He was warm and despite looking like a wreck, he smelled nice. I shut my eyes at the affection. It took everything in me not to bawl my eyes out. I’d forgotten how nice it felt. I’d forgotten how much I needed it.
We were just human beings at the end of the day, and we had basic needs. I pressed my face into his chest and inhaled. Then I wrapped my arm around his middle and hugged him tightly to me. He squeezed me back, and for a while, we cuddled like that, warm in each other’s arms.
I hated that I pretended it was a different figure holding me, but even pretending felt all wrong.
Conor’s arms would have swallowed me whole. He would have dragged me up his front, made me straddle him, and then he would have kissed the life out of me.
I missed him.
God, God, God, I missed him.
“You look pleasant,” Locke said when I arrived for work.
He said it without actually looking at me. He’d been standing by the window behind my desk, his