me and give me a shitty orgasm. It might feel good for like two seconds, but it would feel like shit after. I would hate the guy and I would hate myself more.”
“You sure about that?” he wondered, watching me tenderly.
I peered back at him like he was crazy. “How could anyone ever replace Conor?”
“Feelings change over time, Char.”
“Not mine. Never.”
“What if he’s not the same?”
“I’m not counting on him to be. I won’t be the same, either, Jem. I’m trying to be realistic about this.”
“You think you’re being realistic by waiting around for years and believing you won’t feel any differently by the end?”
“What we had was real, and I don’t need to prove that to anyone else who thinks otherwise. I know myself, and I know him, and I believe in our love.”
He was in disbelief, but the way he looked at me…he sensed the conviction behind my words. “Wow.” He blew out a breath and then chuckled. “Conor fucked up, Charlotte. God, if any guy had a girl like you standing behind them, they’d be fucking fools throwing it away.”
“He didn’t throw me away,” I replied, defending Conor without blinking. “Because I’m still here, and I’m waiting.”
“Even after you learned he lost his chance at parole?”
My breath slowed. Again, I blinked the tears back, not answering straight away. When Locke delivered that blow, I’d fallen into a week-long depression. I felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. Worse than that, I saw the look in Megan’s eyes when she learned of it. It was the same look Jem gave me.
The look of utter disappointment.
To make matters worse, Ember had to mutter just loud enough for me to hear, “Who didn’t see that coming?”
Ugh.
Just remembering the pain of it made me breathless. That week-long depression took its toll on me.
But I was out of it now.
Because Locke told me to suck it up. Literally, he said, “What the fuck is wrong with your face these days? It’s weak. Quit being weak, Charlotte.”
Then he proceeded to distract the crap out of me.
Jem shook his head, irritated. “You ever wonder he’ll just get out and fuck it up again? That you genuinely might deserve better? That he’s in there and hasn’t reached out and maybe he’s gotten over you?”
Oh, my God. It felt like Jem ripped my heart out. I sucked in a breath, but the tears fell anyway. His face broke with remorse, like he realized he’d fucked up.
“I’m not saying that he has,” he whispered sympathetically. “I’d just hate for you to wait for nothing.”
I wiped away my tears, but they wouldn’t stop. It was fucking Niagara Falls in the car. Even my nose started to run. Goddammit. I wiped all of it with the hem of my shirt, not caring how improper I looked.
“I don’t know if he’s waiting, you’re right,” I choked out, my vision blurring. “But my heart keeps saying to hold on. He killed a man that hurt me, and he did it out of love for me. Nothing would betray our love more than if I gave up on him. He’s in there, and he could be thinking of me right this second. How could I ever let the chance of us being together go?”
This time, Jem nodded, like he was finally getting his head wrapped around my point. But it was too late to pick up where we left off. I cut the lesson short and raced back home.
There, I paced the house for hours, almost tempted to pick Penny up from Megan’s house just to fill the void.
In the end, I was glad I didn’t.
I sat on the porch overlooking the backyard, staring through tears at Conor’s workshop. It was so empty without him. I closed my eyes just to picture him strutting around in his overalls, smiling at me from the distance as I watched him from this very step.
“You got snot all over your face,” Billy said, appearing right next to me. “It’s kind of disgusting, Charlotte.”
I let out a short laugh, wiping at my face. “Who am I trying to impress, Billy?”
“I don’t know, but it should be someone.”
“I don’t care what people think about me.”
“It isn’t that,” he murmured. “Taking pride in yourself might shake you out of this storm. Might make you see me less, too.”
I looked over my clothes. I was in a baggy sweater and house pants. “You think I don’t take pride in myself?”