Concealed Hearts (Hometown Jasper #4) - Nicky James Page 0,60
him take the fall. I lied, I fought, I smeared his name, and I didn’t think twice about it. It was all about me.”
“What all happened?” The version of the story that had circulated Jasper was riddled with lies. Knowing Tomi was gay, I’d mostly figured out the truth.
“We were dating. I hated myself and who I was. I didn’t want to be gay, and I got it in my head that it would taint my whole life. My family wouldn’t respect me. The career I wanted would be in jeopardy. If people knew, then I would put myself at risk of losing everything. It sounds so selfish now.” His smile was pained as he shook his head. “That was my teenage logic. But hormones are a bitch at that age, and you’d have to be blind to not see how good looking Josiah is.”
“Of course he is. Just ask him?”
Tomi chuckled. “Yes, his ego is repulsive. I know, but I was young and—”
“Horny?”
I cringed. “I guess. We were friends. It was nothing to step over the line and become more than friends. Josiah was very secure in who he was. He made me feel better about myself, I’ll give him that. When he wanted to come out, I was horrified. If people knew he was gay, there was no way I could be around him because what if they thought I was gay too?”
“So he stayed closeted for you, didn’t he?”
Tomi nodded and took a long drink of his beer before continuing. “He did. We got caught fooling around in the art room. Two kids walked in on us. Overnight, everything exploded. It was my greatest fear come to life. Honestly, I think I went into this self-defense mode. It was easy to spin the rumors in my favor. The two guys who caught us weren’t too popular, so it was easy to warp their story. I spread my own rumors that Josiah was the one telling everyone I’d sucked his cock. That he was trying to ruin my reputation because he didn’t want to be the only queer boy at school.”
I let out a long whistle. “Ouch. I assume this was before Easton came out?”
“I don’t know. I think so. If East was out, I didn’t know about it. I think he came out that same summer though. Maybe Josiah getting outed was the push he needed. We didn’t hang around in the same circles. I don’t know for sure.”
“So, let me get this straight. You harassed Josiah and provoked homophobic behaviors from the other teens in school to protect yourself because you didn’t want people to know you were gay.”
Tomi let out a ragged sigh and drank deep from his beer again. He peered down at the bottle afterward as though it held the answers to the universe. “Every story needs a villain, Windsor, and I’m it. I don’t deny it. That’s the kind of man I am, I guess. I’ll throw anyone under the bus to save myself. I may have this outrageously high IQ, but when it comes to my sexuality, you’ve never met a bigger asshole. Trust me.”
He turned to me and looked me dead in the eyes. “I don’t ever want to hurt you like I did Josiah, but the truth is, I don’t know how to be out and proud. The minute I’m confronted with the possibility of people knowing who I am, I react without thinking. I’m volatile. I respond irrationally and viciously. I say things I don’t mean, and I hurt the people I love. Ask my parents. Ask Shay.” He paused. “Ask Shay’s boyfriend. I’m not a nice person. Somedays, I don’t even know why I’m hiding, and yet, I can’t take the right steps forward to fix all the wrongs I’ve done.”
I took his beer and set it aside with mine. Holding both his hands, I studied him. “There was probably a valid reason why you wanted to hide. Or it seemed valid to you at the time. Sometimes, it’s hard to break free from the prison we lock ourselves in. I’d know. I’m no different. The years keep stacking up, and instead of taking a stance and being brave, I’ve convinced myself there’s no other way.”
“Do we even know what we’re hiding from anymore?”
I sighed. I’d asked myself that a dozen times or more today. First, when dealing with Felix, and again when I got back to the cabin. “To be honest, like you, I’m scared I’ll