for dinner, Daddy?” Zaine questions. These boys can eat like a professional football team. I’m not sure where they put it all. Tall and lean for their age, their wiry builds remind me of myself as a youngster.
“Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread and salad.”
“Salad?” Zavier turns his nose up like it’s a dirty word.
“Yes, you heard me right. Wash your hands and have a seat.”
I dish out their meals while they clean themselves up, then set their plates on the table in front of them. “Eat up.”
“I don’t want salad,” Zavier mutters.
“Zav, if you cover it with spaghetti it tastes better,” Zaine tells him as he demonstrates his theory.
Zavier, looking skeptical, tentatively spears a tiny piece of lettuce onto his fork before dipping it into the noodles and sauce. Scooping it into his mouth, he chews and shrugs. Clearly, he’s undecided, but at least he tried it.
“Da da. Da da,” Leia, my eighteen month old daughter, calls for me from her high chair. Never one to go without attention, she raises her arms toward me, chanting, “up, up, up, up.”
I smile at her painfully adorable face. Even smeared with spaghetti sauce from cheeks to chin, she’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.
Plucking some wet wipes from the container we keep handy at all times, I wipe her dirty, little face and hands until she’s clean once more. Leaning forward, I press a kiss to her tiny button nose. “Did you like your spaghetti?”
She nods. “Up, up. Da da, up. Da da, up. Up,” she yells. With each word, her voice gets louder, and the tone more urgent.
Unhooking the belt, I lift her from the chair. Pressing a kiss to her soft red hair, I pause and think about how quickly time passes. It seems like only yesterday that the boys were babies too. They used to need me for everything and now they’re becoming more independent with every passing minute.
Staring down into Leia’s vivid green eyes so much like Lana’s, I anticipate and dread the motley crew of boys who will line up to date her once she’s a teenager. It’s a good thing she has two older brothers—protective older brothers to watch out for her. And let’s not forget about me. I may have changed my ways, but does a damaged soul ever completely heal? All it would take to send me over the edge again is someone hurting my family.
I’m glad Lana wanted to remain on Rangiroa. With a small population, we can keep our distance from other people. We specifically purchased this land that I built our house on because there are no neighbors close by. And with the large yard, the boys have plenty of space to run around and play. I want them to enjoy their childhood and not live in fear like I did. There’s no abusive alcoholic here. No one will ever put their hands on my children or harm a single hair on their heads.
“Okay, boys. You finish your dinner while I go put your sister to bed. No throwing out your salad or I’ll know.” I aim a formidable and convincing stare their way until they both reluctantly nod.
“Night, Leia,” Zavier says and Zaine blows her a kiss.
“Zay, Zay,” Leia sings happily, blowing kisses back.
She can’t quite pronounce their names, so for now they’re both Zay.
I take her upstairs and change her diaper before dressing her in some lightweight pajamas. After blowing raspberries on her cheeks, neck, and feet, I place her down in her crib. “I love you so much, baby girl. You go to sleep now.”
Leia hugs her favorite stuffed animal close and rolls to her stomach. I soothingly rub my palm over her narrow back and wait for her breathing to slow. Every night she falls asleep faster than anyone should be able to. I take it as a positive sign—she’s getting plenty of exercise and fresh air.
I even have a section of my workshop that’s only for Leia. Colorful rubber mats cover the cement floor in one corner and a sturdy, plastic fence keeps her contained within the area. I love to watch her toddle around while I work on a new piece of furniture.
She also has a tiny tricycle and a play lawnmower that are two of her favorite toys. The mower makes more noise than some of my heavy duty power tools.
Once I’m sure my little angel is out for the count, I return to the kitchen. Both boys have finished with dinner
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