Code Name: Ghost - Sawyer Bennett Page 0,82

had been. It’s probably typical for most military, but the differences are stark. Malik is easy to talk to and while he’d never hesitate to step in and take care of me if necessary, he gives me space to let me try it myself. It’s a level of respect I didn’t have with Jimmy, because he was just content to do it all for me.

One of the biggest differences is with the level of intimacy. Jimmy was a considerate lover who made me feel good about myself always. Any time he touched me, I’d melt and submit.

Malik, though, is something else. I don’t want to wait for him to touch me. I want to pounce on him at all times. We could be having a serious discussion, yet the back of my mind will still be buzzing with how all around attracted I am to him.

I feel bad right this moment even acknowledging that, but there it is. The sexual chemistry I have with Malik is just something I hadn’t really known existed before.

Regardless, it’s not their differences that have me confounded because I think it’s possible to connect with two very different men for very different reasons. Rather, it’s the one constant they both had that has my stomach in knots, and it’s their line of work.

More specifically, that they do work that’s so dangerous it could cost them their lives.

It could cost me my heart again.

My mom waits patiently for me to answer her question… do I love Malik?

I can only tell her this. “I think the mere fact I’m so terrified of losing him in the same way I lost Jimmy that it means I do. And I never thought I’d feel that for someone again, you know? I thought Jimmy was my one chance, yet, by some grace, I was given another. And he’s precious to me, Mom. So precious the thought of losing him makes me want to shut myself away, to be thankful for the time and memories we’ve made. I’ll hold them close, cherish them, and pull them out to remember. But I won’t be hurt again.”

“You’ll be hurt if you let Malik go,” she challenges.

I lift my chin. She’s right, but she’s also wrong. “Not in the same way. Trust me on this, Mom. The pain of loving someone and them dying is far worse than just having a taste of love and letting them go.”

She watches me, pondering my words, before giving a very slow shake of her head. “I’m disappointed in you, Anna.”

I blink in surprise. I had thought I’d stopped wanting my mom’s approval a long time ago. I’d even taken very deliberate actions after Jimmy died to prove to myself and the world I could be just fine, could provide for Avery on my own.

And yet, that proclamation of disappointment from my mother hits me deep in the gut, mostly because she’s saying I’m not being true to myself… and I know she’s right. If I were being the brave, independent woman who had no qualms tackling widowhood and single motherhood on my own, I most certainly could push past these current fears. Haven’t I already faced the worst and lived through it?

And therein lies the problem.

I’m not sure losing Jimmy was the worst.

I bounced back from that. It was painful and hard as hell to slog through it. Losing a husband and giving birth to our daughter without him was terrible.

But this connection I have with Malik is different. Deeper, stronger, and more intimate.

If I were to take that plunge and just let myself fall madly in love with him, and he was to die, I’m not sure I could survive it.

♦

Much later, after the pep talks with my mom are done and she leaves and Avery is asleep and I’m tucked into my pull-out bed in the living room, I nab my phone to scroll through my texts.

Malik left this morning. I’ve not seen him since our talk in my office yesterday. He said he needed time to think, so I gave him space. In my mind, we were already over so the pain of heartbreak had already settled in, despite my mother confusing me all to hell tonight by making me consider other options.

Like bravery, sacrifice, and risk.

He had sent me a text this morning, though. It was beautiful and simple, and it has confused me even more. He’d simply written, I’ll miss you.

I’m not sure in what context he meant that.

Would he miss me