grumble, “Too early. Sleep.” I bite back my laugh as I let go of Ainsley’s hand and kiss her forehead, gesturing for her to get out of bed with me.
We walk downstairs hand in hand, my eyes unintentionally lingering to the open landing above us where Easton’s closed door is. I pick Ainsley up and set her on the island counter, giving her a glass of almond milk and grabbing the ingredients we’ll need to make breakfast.
I already have a few made by the time Jenna strolls down, bedhead, tired eyes, and dried drool gracing the corner of her mouth. I snicker at her less than stellar appearance, forgetting how much she hates mornings. She spends an hour getting ready, so nobody would guess what kind of zombie she resembles first thing.
“Morning.”
“Shut it.”
I snort and gesture to the full coffee pot I have yet to indulge in. She grabs a mug from the cabinet and pours herself a cup, getting her usual cream from the fridge and dumping in an ungodly amount of sugar. Her sweet tooth is one I could never match, and I always wondered how she stayed so skinny knowing how much she ate of it. Then again, she also goes to the gym every day which is something I don’t do.
“I can feel your judgement,” she mumbles, bringing the cup to her lips and standing beside Ainsley. She sets the mug down after taking a sip and ruffles Ainsley’s hair until my six-year-old smiles and bats her hand away.
I check the waffle maker before peeling the next one out and setting it onto the plate. “I’m not judging you,” I lie.
She mutters under her breath and sits down at the counter, pulling out a stool. “I want to talk about last night.”
Freezing, my eyes go to Ainsley. She’s playing with Jenna’s phone. “Not right now, okay?”
“You were c-r-y-i-n-g.”
“Ainsley can spell, you know.”
My bestie sighs. “I just want to know that you’re okay. You said you were last night, but then you snotted all over my shirt. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t equate to being okay.”
Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I stare at the machine in front of me as it cooks the batter. “I didn’t have a bad night. In fact, it was a good night given the circumstances.”
“Okay…”
My shoulders slump ever so slightly as my eyes close. Admitting what I’d done was impossible last night. I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t regret it. But as soon as I stepped inside, I couldn’t hold back the waging emotions battling inside of me. I started sobbing as soon as Jenna asked how it went.
I had sex with Carter.
I had good sex with Carter.
My professor.
My old crush.
A family friend.
And despite the fact he was gentle and kind and respectful, I couldn’t fathom a response to Jenna’s question. How’d it go? I felt like Carter Ford was pouring his feelings into me with every kiss, caress, and thrust, but I couldn’t do the same. No matter what kiss I returned, touch I matched, or thrust I met, it wasn’t enough.
I wanted it to be.
“I don’t think I can love,” I whisper, not wanting to say it too loud in fear of who will hear. Ainsley. Easton. Myself.
“Piper,” she says softly. I can hear the pity in her tone, and I brush it off as I peel the waffle from the maker. “That’s ridiculous. You can love. You love your family, you love Ainsley. What would make you think you can’t?”
I keep my back turned to her as I fight with my shaky jaw, grinding down on my teeth to control my emotions. The swell of bitterness rises in my chest, suffocating me slowly until I have to force a breath. “Because I didn’t feel it last night when I should have.”
For a moment, there’s a pause. “Hey, Ains? Mind if I talk to Piper for a minute? You can go buy whatever game you want on my phone and play.”
I wince at what a bad idea that is. Ainsley once got ahold of my phone a year ago and purchased over a hundred dollars worth of games. I had to fight to get them refunded. When little feet make their exit out of the room, phone in hand, I blow out a breath knowing what’s coming.
“You slept with him.”
I simply nod.
Her hand finds my arm. “Okay. That’s not a bad thing, right? You’ve always said that Carter has treated you well. Did he—”