Dad because I played hockey but I missed them horribly. I guess I was eating to comfort myself then purging to control my weight.’ Absently, he picked up a pale green menu. ‘Last night, I attached the wrong reason to you wanting me to eat. Burgers and buns sent me back in my mind to those bad old days. I expect I was withdrawn.’
Mortification dried her throat. ‘I’m sorry,’ she began.
Nico’s eyes flashed. ‘Don’t be! You made me see myself before I became downright unhealthy. I need to thank you.’
She waved this away. ‘I don’t remember your dad insisting Rob follow a particularly strict diet when he was playing hockey. He didn’t eat loads of chips or ice cream but he’d have some.’
Lines formed on Nico’s face. ‘Dad was my dad but also my ice hockey coach. I wanted to please him twice over. He wasn’t pushy or strict – that’s not the Swedish way. But he got in the habit of holding me up as an example of athletic build and low body fat. When he discovered I was purging, he was horrified. We went to counselling together and I stopped. That my habit was relatively recent helped a lot.’ He sighed. ‘But then I compensated by cutting out entire food groups, like carbs and fats. I underate. After more counselling I learned that I wasn’t gaining power by controlling my food because it was controlling me. I had to learn strategies and use tools to eat in a balanced way.’
‘But it slips sometimes?’ she guessed. She only had to look at him to know that.
He nodded, blond hair gleaming in the candlelight. ‘Under stress I return to an unhealthy relationship with food. The last three years have been … hard. Ending a marriage is crappy and my ex, Loren, resisted.’
He flicked his hair from his eyes. ‘My relationship with food’s complex. When I come to a point where I can admit that it’s become tricky again I make bargains with myself. The current one is I’ll eat if I can eat healthily – like at this restaurant, where there are plenty of good choices. That way, the trigger goes away some.’
Hannah’s cheeks and ears burned. ‘I’m sorry I took you to Burger Town. I didn’t even ask what you preferred to eat.’
He made an impatient gesture. ‘My eating is my responsibility. I should be able to face the occasional burger without turning into a grouch but I’d had a bad day.’ His eyes shadowed. ‘I’d FaceTimed Josie earlier at her mum’s. When I told her I’d be spending the day with other people’s children at Skytteholmsparken she began to sob that she missed me. I wanted to jump on a plane and go to her but I couldn’t. People here were depending on me and it’s Loren’s weekend to have Josie and, although it’s difficult sometimes, I have to let them have their own relationship. I got a bit unglued. When I’m upset …’ He batted the air with his hand as if shoving something away. ‘Anyway, I’ve talked to Josie since and she was cheerful.’
Hannah listened. Nico was tense but so controlled that it was hard to align him in her mind with the laughing, vivacious, hard-playing teenage star of the Peterborough Plunderers. She remembered how people used to stop to watch him, his grace and unthinking control as he swooped, raced, turned, reversed and traversed. Hannah had never attained anywhere near such mastery of the ice.
Yet all the time, under that vital, athletic persona, had lain a love-hate relationship with food.
A waiter in a green waistcoat arrived to take their order. Nico chose a plate, which included salmon, herring, prawns, eggs, cheese, butter and bread, along with a small glass of wine. Hannah chose roast beef with dill potatoes and a large glass of wine. She walked between Gamla Stan and Östermalm so didn’t have to worry about drink-driving. She didn’t run a car herself, although she could borrow Albin’s Porsche whenever he wasn’t using it. She rarely did, in case she scratched its sleek silver perfection.
‘It sounds as if you have a wonderful relationship with Josie,’ Hannah said, when the waiter had departed.
His face softened. ‘She’s cute, funny and a walking question mark. Blonde, blue-eyed, pretty.’
‘A mini Nico?’ Hannah joked. Their wine arrived and she paused to sip the rich red liquid.
The corners of his eyes crinkled. ‘Hair and eyes, maybe. Her mother’s pretty so maybe she got that from her.’