was almost like I knew nothing about him. I was so naïve. I would never ever make this mistake again. Just breathe, everything was going to be okay. It had to be okay.
It felt like hours later when she pulled the stick out, her face showing no emotion. She drew her chair back to her table and reached out to a shelf beside her desk and removed some pamphlets, laying them before me.
“Lex, I took a test and it was positive… I was pregnant,” she cries softly.
I sit still, shell-shocked at the revelation. Not only had I left her without saying goodbye, I left her pregnant with my child. Everything made sense now, why she was holding back, why she couldn’t forgive me, recalling the clues she gave me about leaving us. But the baby, what happened to our baby? I close my eyes knowing the next part to this story is probably something I don’t want to hear, something that will bring my mistakes to the surface to be laid out in front of me, a big red marker pointing out where I failed and how I failed Charlie and our baby.
“I didn’t even have a choice on whether or not I wanted it, the bloodwork came back, and I was too far along. It was too late, I had no choice but to keep it, and all I could think about was the fact that I would have to look at this child every day and be reminded of you—that there was no escaping you.
“I thought about finding you, but I was still heartbroken. I had no idea Samantha’s baby wasn’t yours, so in my eyes, you were still the man who betrayed and left me standing alone. The one thing that I did know was that this baby didn’t deserve to be second best. It didn’t need to compete with the other child you were raising. I was broken, Lex, so broken and unable to pull myself out of this depression that was spiraling out of control.”
As she spoke, the pain inside me grew larger, spreading throughout like the deadliest of diseases. But even in my own pain, Charlotte’s is so much worse.
Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes before opening her mouth to continue, “My grandmother was the only one who knew. We hid this from my dad. I was in a dark place, a very dark place. I struggled to see any light in this situation. What did I know about raising a baby at eighteen? This wasn’t the life I wanted… at least not without you. I cried myself to sleep every night. I barely ate… I barely moved. My grandmother would rock me to sleep on our porch swing. But I was sad… so unbelievably sad that I had failed to see it wasn’t only me who had demons. She was sick… very sick.”
She pauses to retrieve something from her purse. It’s a photograph and looks familiar. Moments later, I realize it is the same as the one hanging on her wall. But this time she didn’t have the blanket covering her stomach, the bulge standing out against her skinny frame. I stare at it, shocked, unable to swallow, the pain intensifying as I study the picture in the dark of the night as we sit here.
My poor Charlotte.
How could I have done this?
But our baby, what happened to the baby?
I prepare myself for what I think she did, the only thing that could have possibly happened. She must have had the baby adopted. Closing my eyes to think, somewhere out there I have an eight-year-old kid. My silence masks the turmoil overcoming me. How the fuck could I have done this to her? Out of all the people in my life, I love her more than life itself. Yet, I pushed her into this nightmare, leaving her scarred forever.
“I remembered the day it all finally came crashing down, the darkest day of my life, and the day I screamed your name hoping that somewhere you would hear me and pull me out into the light.”
I twisted my body, trying to get comfortable. It was no use. I couldn’t lie on my stomach, so I moved to lie on my back. Great, now I had to pee again. I got up and peed for like the hundredth time that morning, then decided it was pointless and walked outside to sit on the porch swing.