is a business arrangement.” He squeezed lightly then dropped his arm. “Remy will fill you in on the repayment schedule.”
“So…” That helped me find my voice. “This is a loan?”
“Yes,” he said gently. “It’s a loan.”
I could process loan that better than investment. A loan, I could pay back. An investment implied an act of faith, of trust, of belief. I couldn’t deal with that right now, while I was in a hospital bed and my apartment was a smoking crater in the side of the building.
I felt like a total failure, and this a handout, but it was easier to listen to that miserable voice in my head than it was to see myself, or my situation, clearly.
Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.
Mother had warped my perception of myself, I knew that. Year by year, she whittled away my self-esteem until I had to fake smiles for work, for school, for friends. I had to fake me. Hadley wasn’t me, exactly, but she was real. Maybe realer than Amelie ever had been.
Midas linked our fingers, and I knew what he would say, that I was a fool if I passed on the offer.
“Do what’s right for you,” he advised, shocking me to my core. “Do what you can live with.”
More tears threatened, but I squared my shoulders and swallowed the hard lump in my throat.
My mother was one person. One opinion. Her voice might always ring loudest in my ears, but it didn’t have to be the one I heeded. This many otherwise intelligent people couldn’t be wrong about me.
I am enough.
“Thank you,” I whispered to Linus. “You’re a good…friend.”
During our long association, Linus had been many things to me. A freckle-faced annoyance when we were kids, a lovesick nerd when we were teens, and a nightmare come to startling life when we were adults. I had mocked him, laughed at him, and dismissed him. And he had forgiven all that. He had gifted me with a second chance to be someone whose gaze I could hold in the mirror. Now he was offering me the tools to complete my transformation.
The all-key tattooed on my forearm was a peculiar design, but at its center was a stylized version of the city seal of Atlanta. A phoenix, its wings spread, rising from the flames.
I had never identified with it more.
“I am your friend,” he said softly, and there was sadness there. “I always will be.”
The unspoken promise, that he would do what must be done no matter the cost, comforted me.
Bishop would fight for me. I understood that now. Midas… He would never let me go. Linus was the one person on whose shoulders the burden of my existence could rest. I hated that for him, and I wished I hadn’t caved to sentimentality now. I didn’t want to make it any harder on him than it had to be, if the worst came to pass.
Linus walked out with Bishop, and Remy began tiptoeing behind them to eavesdrop until I snapped my fingers to get her attention.
“You’ve done enough, Employee of the Month.” I jabbed a finger at her. “Get back to building your evil empire and leave them out of it.”
“You’re mad now, but you’ll get over it.” She smiled, needlelike teeth on display. “And you’ll thank me.”
During the excitement, Midas had fallen asleep, his eyes twitching behind their lids.
Most of his exposed skin was bright pink with regrown flesh and pimpled with blisters. His hair had been buzzed against his scalp, and one of his eyebrows was missing. He would have died in that inferno, if he weren’t gwyllgi and if Abbott wasn’t such a gifted healer. And fine, if Ambrose hadn’t been able to give me the strength I needed to walk out of there with him.
With few other available options, I leaned on my backstabbing employee. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Depends,” she mumbled around food. “What did you have in mind?”
“Can you buy me an outfit to get me out of the infirmary without me flashing everyone between here and Target?”
“A Target run?” She took a swig of my water. “Why didn’t you say so?”
“Buy to my tastes,” I warned her. “Not yours.”
“Sure thing.” She pocketed my shiny new card and sashayed out humming Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.”
Well, that sounded promising. I’m sure nothing bad would come of letting her choose my wardrobe.
With that ball rolling, I cuddled Midas, pretended I had nothing better to do, and wished that were true.
Thirteen
Remy provided me with clothes,