Chance - Deborah Bladon Page 0,62

the admission. "That's fast."

"Physically, maybe." He half-shrugs. "Emotionally I had checked out of the relationship with Vena months before."

"I didn't know that it had gotten that bad between you."

He crosses his legs as he looks up at me. "I thought that if I married her, I'd satisfy something within me. Part of it was pressure from my mother. She adored Vena and still does. I guess another part of it was my need to fulfill Vena's dreams since she'd helped me overcome a lot of my own bullshit. I pushed aside all of the doubt I was feeling to give it a chance. I was a ticking time bomb. It really fell apart right when we were making plans for the wedding."

"You never told me about any of this." I'm not being accusatory. My relationship with Caleb has always had an ebb and flow to it that neither of us completely understood. There were so many complicated facets to it that I've always just accepted it for what it is.

"Vena was a mess after we split." His breath hisses out between clenched teeth. "I hate talking about this but she fell apart. It took her months to finally get back on her feet and she still hates me to this day."

"You're not responsible for that." I want to sound comforting but that's not how it sounds at all. "Vena handled the break up in her own way."

"She loved me, Rowan." His voice is raw. "She loved me and I let her down."

Chapter 44

"I'm not her, Caleb."

The angle of his face changes. He tilts his head gently to the left so his eyes catch mine. "You're nothing like her."

"You think I'll fall apart the way she did?" I cross my legs at the ankles as I lean back against my desk. "You're scared that I'll be destroyed if things don't work out between us?"

His left brow arches as he considers the question. He pauses before he answers. "No. It's not just that."

I should probably point out that he's wasted the past fifteen minutes of his life explaining his relationship to Vena to me if it has no bearing on his reluctance to let the emotional barriers he's built around himself down. "What is it then? Why do you pull back every time we get close?"

"It's me," he continues, "I'm more like Vena than you are. If things don't work out between us, we'll both be destroyed."

I can't argue with him. I've had a taste of the pain that is born from being rejected by him and it's deep and unrelenting. "It hurts me when you push me away."

A flash of something unfamiliar darts over his expression. He winces slightly before he clears his throat. "I fucked up after we made love. I really fucked up."

"I wanted to talk about things." I realize how pathetic that sounds, but I don't care. I'm not trying to impress a man I just met. I'm not trying to be strong for the sake of saving my self-esteem. This is Caleb and me. If I can't be brutally honest with him, we'll never have a chance.

"I came to the house so I could fuck you," he growls softly as he says the words. "I was in the house for hours before I came to your room."

"What?"

"I got there in the middle of the night. I let myself in." He stretches his legs out in front of him. "I watched you sleeping. I was so hard."

"I had no clue you were there."

"You were fast asleep and then you got up." He smiles softly. "Christ, I almost grabbed you in the hallway when you walked out of the bedroom."

"You were watching me? You just stood there watching me?"

His shoulders slouch forward. "I was mesmerized. It felt like time had stopped and I was breathing for the first time."

I don't say anything. I can't. My ability to speak has vanished because of the pressure of my emotions within my chest.

"Then you went back to bed and I came into the room," he rasps. "I couldn’t control my need anymore. I stood there, willing you to wake back up and when you did I saw it in your face. I saw how much you wanted me."

I'd be wasting my energy trying to deny that. I had been just as eager to taste his lips again as he had been to taste mine. My lust had ruled each and every movement I made that morning and I don't regret any of