know, and… I can’t even put the radio on in case one of our songs comes on because I know that would finish me, so God only knows how you’re feeling, that’s all I’m saying.’
I shifted away from her, couldn’t meet her eyes. My insides were burning, an all too familiar rage bubbling up in my lungs. ‘Are you saying I’m madder than most people? Because of what happened twenty years ago? That’s what you’re really saying, isn’t it?’
‘Of course not.’ She moved away from me, only an inch, but still.
‘Maybe this is why I’m walking the streets at night. Maybe I’m looking for someone who understands rather than someone who’s ready to ship me off to the nuthouse.’
‘I didn’t say that. Come on, I would never do that. For God’s sake, Rachel, this is me, Lisa.’ She laid her hand on my arm, ducked her head to try and meet my eye. I looked away. ‘Remember Lisa?’ she insisted. ‘Can down a pint in less than ten seconds and fit a whole small pork pie in her mouth for a bet? Come on, I’m only asking if you’re OK. Really OK, I mean. If I don’t ask it, who will? I know you. I know you, Rach. Rach?’
I gave in, looked at her. ‘What?’
‘Don’t be like this. Just tell me, are you OK?’
‘Course I’m bloody not.’ I sighed. ‘I’m a murdering lunatic, our Katie’s a grumpy cow and Mark’s still breathing.’
Half an hour later, Lisa saw me out. It had taken us every minute of that half hour to recover.
‘Don’t worry about Katie,’ she said, leaning on the door frame. ‘Jodi was a beast before she left home. Now that she’s had to wash her own pants for a year and pay for her own food, she sighs when she opens the fridge and says oh my God, you’ve got sliced ham. Honestly, she’s almost human. And as for Mark, he’s just… he’s tired and feels just as crap as you do.’
I zipped my coat up and tried to smile. ‘Not sure why. He doesn’t even know where I keep the pans, and if I ask Katie to put a wash on, she’s on to Childline.’
I waved goodbye and walked home, trying to convince myself that I was lucky to still have Mark in my life and that Katie would pass through the almost permanently belligerent ball of rage she seemed to be. Lisa wasn’t short on rage either, to be honest. She’d done nothing but rant about Patrick, how he wasn’t contributing to the girls’ uni expenses, claiming not to have any money. ‘Which doesn’t quite explain the holiday photos on his Insta-friggin’-gram, does it?’ she’d said, fury pinking her cheeks. ‘Which he blocks me out of, by the way, but the girls show me everything. I mean, Tene-friggin’-rife, if you please, cocktails on the balcony, who wants to see a shot of the pool… Argh, he’s a loser; I hate him.’
I look up at Blue Eyes, hanging on in there with her silver pen and her trendy nails and her lovely clothes.
‘Love and hate,’ I say.
She nods. ‘They’re close.’
I look directly at her, the sympathetic expression on her face. It doesn’t make sense, her kindness, her understanding.
‘Are you a police officer?’ I ask.
She frowns. ‘Is… is that what you think?’
‘I don’t know. I can’t remember what you said.’
‘I’m a forensic psychiatrist.’
‘A psychiatrist?’ My mouth drops open. I have no idea how I missed that. ‘So are you building one of them criminal profiles? For the court?’
She takes a deep breath. ‘Rachel. It would be better for both of us if you saw me as here to achieve some clarity on the events of the last few months. I suppose it would help if you trusted me.’
‘Oh, I trusted you from day one. Even when I thought you were police. I’ve no secrets, love. It’s me that turned myself in, don’t forget.’
‘All right,’ Blue Eyes says.
‘I’ve forgotten your name, I’m sorry.’
She smiles. ‘Amanda.’
‘Amanda.’ I smile back. ‘Knew it started with an A.’
She nods. ‘So you recovered from your moment of tension with Lisa?’
‘Yes. Yes, I did. Only when I got home, there was something playing on my mind.’
‘Which was?’
‘Well, I couldn’t remember ever telling her about my clip file.’
30
Lisa
Transcript of recorded interview with Lisa Baxter (excerpt)
Also present: DI Heather Scott, PC Marilyn Button
HS: You last saw Rachel back in August, is that right?
LB: Well, I saw her last Friday, but yes, in person it would have been August.
HS: