This Burns My Heart Page 0,43

So that in saving her, I could see if I could save myself, too? And what did it mean, then, that I have failed?

Soo-Ja rose, her back aching a little from sitting on the floor so long. When she slid open the door and went over to the porch looking for her shoes, she was struck by the coldness of the air, lashing at her from all sides. She realized it was even later than she thought, and the feeling of being out at this hour made the whole moment feel oddly surreal, as if the real Soo-Ja were still sitting at home with Min’s parents, at the house in central Won-dae-don, while this other Soo-Ja wandered around aimlessly, knocking about from place to place.

Soo-Ja had not walked very far when she heard her name being called. It felt unfamiliar to hear it like this, at night, in an anguished voice. She turned around and saw Jae-Hwa standing on the steps of her house. She stood as still as a pillar, like Lot’s wife, who’d dared to look back. She did not have her coat and seemed to shiver slightly.

“He won’t let me take my clothes with me,” Jae-Hwa finally said, the syllables seeming to escape from her lips one at a time. “He said it’s a waste of energy, since I’m coming back.”

Soo-Ja felt the relief lift her up, and she smiled, extending her hand to Jae-Hwa. Jae-Hwa hesitated, and then slowly began to walk toward her. When Jae-Hwa finally reached her, Soo-Ja took off her own coat and placed it over Jae-Hwa. It would still be a while before they got to Soo-Ja’s parents’ house.

Soo-Ja arrived home to find Min’s silhouette waiting by the door. It struck her then, how boyish and skinny he looked. If she wore a miniskirt and held her hair back with her signature headband, would she look like a teenager, too? Is that what they were, teenagers playing at being adults? Would one day someone—a real couple, wearing heavy coats and wool scarves—come by, thank them for taking care of their child, and haul away Hana and their clothes and marriage license, and would she and Min nod and leave that house and walk in separate directions, like contestants in some radio show who didn’t know each other? Would she be relieved and look back on the whole adventure with fondness, but enjoy her safe, welcome distance from it? Or would she find life without Min and her in-laws unbearably easy, meaningless almost, as her sacrifices had made it possible for her to appreciate the smallest of gifts—like the beloved quiet for a half hour or so in the morning before the house woke and the day lay rich with promise. Or the sight of Hana sleeping peacefully, or any one of a thousand surprises that shook the day—like being able to help a friend who weeps in your arms with gratitude, whispering, “A better life… Yes, a better life for me.”

“You were gone so long,” said Min. “What happened?”

“A lot,” Soo-Ja said simply, slipping past him like a draft of wind, with Hana sleeping in her arms.

“Did you talk to your father?”

It took her a second to realize what he meant. Of course, Father-in-law must have told Min about his plans. She wondered what Min’s reaction had been. She assumed he had simply gone along with his father’s wishes, as he always did.

“No, I didn’t,” said Soo-Ja curtly. “I didn’t ask for the loan. I didn’t get a chance to. And that’s for the best. I shouldn’t even have considered asking my father for more money.”

Min followed her into their room. He seemed lost in thought. Close like this, he looked different, thought Soo-Ja, wearing a blue sweater with a light yellow vest over it, and pants that ended slightly too short at the ankle, showing his long johns underneath.

“We have to pay back our creditors, Soo-Ja. The situation is very dire. If we don’t pay them back, they’ll take the factory from us,” he said.

Soo-Ja busied herself getting their mats and comforters ready for bed. She avoided Min’s eyes, but she could feel them on her skin, following her around.

“Your father would have plenty of money to pay those creditors if he didn’t mismanage the factory,” she said.

“Yes, my father is horrible and your father is perfect. Are we in a children’s playground? Don’t you get tired of playing this childish game? My father is your father now,” said Min, starting