This Burns My Heart Page 0,133

myself a lot. I still cook for three, and have to throw away his portion.”

“But can you sympathize with my sufferings? You can, can’t you? Oh, I was foolish to think of you as a rival, when you were in fact an older sister.”

Soo-Ja held her tongue—she knew Eun-Mee didn’t mean any of her words. Soo-Ja could detect the theatrical tinge in Eun-Mee’s voice.

“Yes, I suppose we’ve both been left bereft,” Soo-Ja said, trying to remain noncommittal.

Eun-Mee reached for Soo-Ja, and ran her right hand fast a few times over Soo-Ja’s arm, as if she were undoing a crease on her shirt. This close to her, Soo-Ja could see her face was a bit swollen with past tears, and she realized Eun-Mee must have lost five pounds or so off her already thin figure since she’d last seen her.

“Now, older sister, if you could do something to assuage my pain, you’d do it, wouldn’t you?” Eun-Mee asked.

“I’d try.”

“There’s a fear I have—this awful anxiety! It keeps me up at night. But you could put that fear to rest, and make my ordeal a bit more tolerable.” Eun-Mee had come closer to Soo-Ja and taken her hand into hers.

“What is it?”

“I’d like you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“I’d like you to promise me, that if Yul comes to the hotel, and asks you to be his wife, you’ll turn him away.”

Soo-Ja took her hand back from Eun-Mee and looked in the other direction. “Eun-Mee, why are you asking me that?”

“Because I know there’s a chance Yul will come back to me. But he’d do that only if he knew he did not have a chance with you. So make it clear to him that you will never take him.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t promise you that.”

Eun-Mee reached for Soo-Ja’s hand again, but this time Soo-Ja did not let her have it. Soo-Ja could feel the nervous vibrations off Eun-Mee’s skin, the way she seemed to shake from some core deep within.

“How can you not promise me that? He’s still a married man, as far as the world is concerned. Promise me you will reject him if he comes to you.”

“I would do no such thing.”

“You mean that you’d take him? Knowing that if you did, he’d never come back to me?”

Eun-Mee’s legs were now touching Soo-Ja’s, and Soo-Ja felt like Eun-Mee was on the verge of moving even closer.

“No wonder your husband left you. You have no morals.”

“If you’re here to insult me, then you should go.”

Eun-Mee remained quiet for a moment, as if trying to decide what to do. If Eun-Mee tried to hit her as she had done the last time, Soo-Ja would not hesitate to hit her back. Finally, Eun-Mee rose and excused herself, bowing deeply to Soo-Ja. Soo-Ja bowed back and wished her a good journey home. It amazed her, how polite and formal they were acting, when only a few seconds earlier, she thought they were about to do physical harm to each other.

“Is Dr. Yul Kim here?” Soo-Ja asked the receptionist, her voice barely audible. Decorated with ink brush paintings on the walls, and low brown leather chairs, the office was much larger than the one he’d had in Pusan. Outside, Hana waited for her.

“May I have your name, please?” the young woman asked, in a distracted manner. She sat behind a sliding window she opened only halfway, like a teller in a bank.

“My name is Soo-Ja Choi,” she said. Her heart pounding, she smoothed down the front of her dress and brushed her hair with her fingers. Inside, her emotions—anxiety, excitement, joy—swirled around her like mad butterflies of different colors, their wings breaking as they clashed into one another.

The receptionist checked a list. “Are you a patient of his? Do you have an appointment?” she asked, without looking up.

Soo-Ja noticed a hint of North Korea in her accent. “No. I’m a friend of his. I’d just like to see him, please.” Soo-Ja felt the anxiousness rise in her body; it had taken all of her courage to come here. She would not, in fact, have come if Eun-Mee hadn’t gone to talk to her. After Eun-Mee left, Soo-Ja simply could not keep still. Yes, she had to return the money he’d loaned her, and she let that goal dictate her steps, but in fact she was drawn there by an almost irresistible force.

“Dr. Kim is in the break room. We’re having a party for him,” the receptionist said.

“A party?” asked Soo-Ja, confused. But it wasn’t his