for fall in Texas, and the sun shined brightly for such a gloomy occasion. It was the second funeral I’d ever attended in my life. My fourth-grade teacher showed up for the service and asked how living in Memphis was. I lied and told her it was wonderful, though I was currently staying in a seedy motel outside of town.
I wore a white sundress. Dad would have loved it.
Frank Stewart must have taken my lungs with him to heaven, because I found it was impossible to breathe. Unlike at Mama’s funeral, I sobbed uncontrollably and without internal conflict. I let my mourning slip from my eyes as they lowered him into the ground. The preacher didn’t know Dad but spouted universal truths. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
Death. It all revolved around death.
It wasn’t until the preacher was walking toward his Honda that I realized it was over. I sat in the grass and ate the sandwich I packed, chatting with Dad like this was a regular occurrence. I buried him on the opposite side of the cemetery from Mama, but I felt her presence there too. “I’m mad at you, old man. We were supposed to get our fresh start,” I said before taking a bite of my sandwich and swallowing. I’d never felt so alone in my life, but sitting here, talking to a cheap tombstone seemed to soften the blow to my heart.
“I tried. I really did,” I whispered. “I know you did too. I hate that it happened like this. I hate that I couldn’t save you. I hate that you needed saving, but I’m going to be okay, Dad.” I didn’t actually know if I was going to be okay. I had no home. No plan. No car. The money Decker sent me sat stagnant in my account. I used some of it for Dad’s funeral while telling myself I’d pay him back. I felt cheap and like the leech he’d accused me of being the first day we met, but I didn’t have many options.
I looked at the bottle of whiskey I’d brought and took a small sip. It burned all the way down in a way I didn’t like. It would’ve been too cliche to get drunk at a cemetery, so I poured it out on the grass and hugged my knees to my chest. I talked to Dad for what felt like hours. “You took my lungs, old man.” My chest constricted with lamentation.
“Remember that guy I told you about? I fell in love with him. I fell in love, and it almost killed him. It makes me sick.”
“Love is a cruel bitch, huh?” a dark voice said at my back. I turned around with my mouth gaping open, shocked to see Lance standing there. “Can I join you?” he asked.
“Y-yes,” I stuttered. The last time I’d seen Lance, he blamed me for Decker, and he had every right to. He settled in the grass beside me in silence. It seemed that neither of us knew what to say, though I was thankful for his company. I wasn’t sure I deserved it.
“I fell in love with Decker ten years ago. I never told him, but of course, he knew. Decker has this way of figuring people out.”
I nodded. I’d realized when I’d left the hospital that there was more than just betrayal buried in Lance’s hurt. He was devastated. At first, I’d convinced myself that Decker didn’t know. But I couldn’t find comfort in that lie. There was a reason Decker clung to our secret so fiercely. It wasn’t about betraying a friend, it was about breaking a heart.
“I never would have. If I’d known…” I began.
“I didn’t want anyone to know. No one wants to be the guy in love with his best friend. I tried convincing myself I’d get over him and filled my heart up with others so I could move on. But I never let go.”
I reached out to grab Lance’s hand. “He has that sort of effect on people, huh?” I asked. ”
“I’ve always loved souls. Been attracted to the way a heart beats more than the gender of a person. Men. Women. I’ve dated a lot. And Decker Harris has a beautiful soul, though I think you already know that.”
I nodded. “Why are you here? Don’t you hate me?”
“I did hate you,” Lance immediately replied. I nearly choked on the bile rising up my throat. His words were painful to swallow. “But not anymore. I can’t