the various instruments I was hooked up to beeped violently. “I love her. I fell into a deep, irreversible, demanding love with your sister, and there’s no going back. I love her brain. Her heart. Her soul. I love how she speaks. I love how she makes me a better man. I loved saving her, and I’d do it again. Even if it landed me in the hospital. Even if it killed me. I love Blakely Stewart, Lance.”
Lance fell in love with me a long while ago. It was why I couldn’t tell him about Blakely. It was why this entire thing was more fucked up than I could ever admit to. I was my best friend’s darkest secret, and I entertained the limbo between us because, in a way, I loved him too. But I could never love him the way he wanted me to. “It’s always been you, Decker,” he sobbed. “I’ve always loved you.”
I reached up to tenderly wipe the tears from his face. “Lance,” I began as moisture began to fill my own eyes. This was what I feared most. This was why I couldn’t say anything and why I turned away relationships. It was why I was so hellbent on keeping Blakely a secret. It killed me to destroy Lance, and I knew that after this, we would never be the same. I just hoped we could find a new normal in all the pain.
“I’m so sorry. You’ve always been in my life. You’ve always been like a brother to me, but I’ve known. I’ve always known. I just never wanted to talk about it because you’ve never brought it up. I was scared that things would change if I admitted I could never love you the way you want me to love you—the way you deserve to be loved. You’re family, Lance. We have a bond that is more precious to me than anything in this world, but it will never be the romantic love you crave, and I’m so sorry about that.”
Lance grabbed a tissue and blew his nose, his eyes squinting in pain as more tears fell. “I know. It’s not fair,” he croaked. “I’m putting you in this impossible situation, but I tried. I tried not to love you. You made it so damn hard,” he added with a light chuckle. “Even with your fucking morning breath and greasy hair, I’ll probably think of that kiss for the rest of my life.”
I chuckled. “I’m not sure if I should be flattered or offended.”
“Probably a mixture of both,” Lance replied with a shrug.
We sat in silence for a while, holding each other’s hands and staring at one another. I took in the curve of his nose, his high cheekbones, and the way his eyes appraised me back. I treasured Lance. He was bright and beautiful, and his optimism tore me from some of the darkest moments of my life. “You have to let me go, Lance. I can’t stand the idea of not having you in my life, but if you need space to work through this, I’ll understand.”
“I don’t know what I need, but maybe you’re right. I need time to process it all. I’ve never had the chance to properly let go because you’ve always been there. No one ever compared. No one else ever mattered. Sean and I broke up because he wanted me to end my friendship with you. He was jealous.” I nodded, already knowing that was the case. It’s what happened with most of his relationships. “I just kept hoping, and when you got hurt, it nearly killed me.”
“I’m so sorry, Lance. I can’t say it enough,” I replied. Each tear that slipped from his eyes felt like another bullet to the gut. My heart hurt for him. For us. For Blakely.
“I knew I loved you the day I tackled that woman with the gun. I knew that I’d rather die than imagine a world without you,” Lance observed. “And now look at us. You’re diving in front of bullets for someone else.”
The power of his words settled between us. I loved Blakely like he loved me. It was a painful realization that would change us forever. I wanted to ask about Blakely, demand he tell me where she was. But my friend needed me, so for now, I’d swallow my burning desire to be near her. For now, I’d love my best friend.