I hadn’t realized that she could be funny. There’s a lot about Cat I still have to learn.
“Dean . . .” she says softly.
My heart hits against my ribs, not yet calmed from the mad race over here.
“Yes?” I reply.
“Did you catch me?”
“No.” I shake my head. “But I did dig you out.”
“Maybe next time . . . try to catch me,” Cat says.
I know she’s joking, but I feel an uneasy guilt that makes my laugh sound strange.
“Next time give me a little warning,” I say.
“You’re so fast . . .” Cat whispers, her voice drifting across the space between us.
“Not that fast,” I say.
“You could catch me . . .” Cat says, her eyes half closed.
I know she’s high as balls on whatever Professor Lyons cooked up, but her confidence in me fills me with warmth all the same.
Her hand is no longer cold and limp inside of mine. Instead, she intertwines our fingers.
Sasha brings over her tray of sterilized instruments.
“You want to stay for this, too?” she says.
“Yes.” I nod. “Blood doesn’t bother me.”
Cat’s breathing is slow and steady as she drifts off, heedless of the doctor’s needle and thread stitching her skin.
Sasha’s hands are wonderfully capable. Everything about her is calming, from her gentle voice to her clear blue eyes. She wears her blonde hair in a long plait down the back of her white lab coat.
“What did Snow say about me?” I ask her, unable to stifle my curiosity.
“He said he was very proud of your progress,” Sasha tells me.
For some reason, this makes my throat feel thick.
“That’s good,” I say after a moment. “He’s an excellent coach.”
“The best,” Sasha says proudly. “He trained our son Zane, and he’s sure to become a champion as well.”
“Where is he now?” I ask.
“In New York with our daughter Faye. They share an apartment together. She’s in med school.”
“Both of them follow in your footsteps,” I say.
Sasha nods. “We didn’t expect it—they could have done anything; it didn’t matter to us.”
I think about that.
My father has very clear instructions for what he expects from me. He won’t accept anything else.
Yet Snow and Sasha’s children choose to emulate them willingly. Because they look at their parents and they see a life worth imitating.
So do I.
Only when I look at Snow—not at my own father.
“She’s probably going to sleep for a couple of hours,” Sasha tells me, nodding toward Cat’s peaceful figure beneath the thick infirmary blankets.
“I don’t care,” I say. “I want to stay.”
12
The Spy
I walk across campus to the library. It’s late enough that I know nobody else will be there. Not on a Friday, and especially not on a night when there’s at least two parties planned to celebrate the Seniors winning the first round of the Quartum Bellum.
I want to speak to Miss Robin.
It’s so ridiculous calling her that. But she insists. In fact, she gets furious if I ever slip and call her what she really is to me. She says we have to convince even our own selves of these identities. That’s the only way to be sure that we won’t slip up. One mistake could be fatal. It could undo two long years of work.
Sometimes I start to believe my own lies.
My old life seems like a dream, like it happened to someone else.
And this new life . . .
Sometimes I enjoy it. I want to believe it’s real. The part I play is so much easier than the truth.
It’s so lonely wearing this mask.
That’s why I have to go see her. Because she’s the only one who knows. The only time I can be myself is with her, even if she uses this name, and I have to use hers.
The Library Tower is a dark silhouette against the purple sky, shaped like a chess rook. Miss Robin’s apartments are at the top. I’ve seen them, of course. It’s a scrupulously neat space, plain and unadorned. She’s never cared for knick-knacks or sentimental things.
She does love art, however, and history, which has helped her play her role so well.
She’s thrown herself into her work here with a passion that only a true connoisseur could muster.
I expect to find her poring over papers and documents as usual. No one is as tenacious or as tireless as her. I’ve never seen her falter. Never seen her give up.
I pull open the metal-strapped door and enter the dim spiraling